The Frustration, It Burns

The Maternal Fetal Medicine doctor office called to tell me they got the preliminary results back yesterday, but they can’t give me the results because they want me to have more blood drawn between 5/31 and 6/14 in Orland (which while not far, is not close and certainly not convenient). That kind of makes 1st trimester screening irrelevant if you’re going to wait and do second trimester screening with it (which I am already scheduled to do here, near home). So they have the results but they won’t give them to me. They say that have faxed them to my doctor’s office, so I called over there and to see whether anyone would give them to me, but the office never got a fax. The MFM doc won't be returning my call until Thursday (and entire week from when the results were in because I have no idea why). The whole point of first trimester screening is to have results NOW. If the results indicate that a CVS is warranted, I need it Tuesday because time is a-wasting.

I have never heard of an UltraScreen combined with the 2nd trimester screening. Maybe I'm just not into obstetrics enough, but please. The point here is results early.

Lucky 13

• The UltraScreen rocked the house. If you ever get a chance to have one, I completely and totally recommend it.
• At the UltraScreen, I saw the following (and was so good at making out baby parts, the technician actually asked me if I was an ultrasound tech....HA!): two arms, two legs, an unknown number of fingers (don't care....fingers are totally unimportant to me), two hemispheres of the brain, four chambers of the heart, jaw bones, eye sockets, a non-bright colon, a nasal bone, a crown-rump length (CRL) of 80 mm at 12w5d, a nuchal translucency of 2.0 mm (largest NT of 3 readings), movement, finger sucking, spine, Doppler blood flows that my husband believes indicate rain, an umbilical cord (but I forgot to ask how many vessels it had), some random internal organs whose locations and functions are a little hazy, and that was about it.
• For those of you not studying for your genetics counselor credentials at home, let me tell you that a NT of 2 mm with a CRL of 80 mm is great. It does not raise any red flags at all. I had blood drawn as well for that part of it. The blood was overnighted to Genzyme in NM. I have no idea when the combined results will be in. I believe the results are being sent to my regular doctor's office, and I will get them there. I know my office has no experience with these results since I am their first patient to ask for the UltraScreen, and I had to find and refer myself to a doctor myself since they were unhelpful on that front. The results will be in the format of you have a 1 in X chance of a baby with a chromosomal abnormality (a trisomy like Down Syndrome or Patua's syndrome...I think I spelled that wrong and am too lazy to check, basically trisomy 18 or 21 plus some other rare ones). I am hoping for an X greater than 10,000 but who knows.
• Also, for those of you not in the know, a CRL of 80 mm at 12w5d indicates a relatively "tall" baby. Considering Chuckles was about 22" long at birth, I am not suprised.
• I still plan on doing the Multiple Marker Screening (Triple Screen/Quad Screen) since UltraScreen does not check for neural tube defects and Multiple Marker Screening does. I am all "knowledge is power" over here.
• The blood was not drawn at the office so we went to some little blood draw lab place in some strip mall, but I don't care about the hassle.
• Oh, after the NT, we went to Buca Di Beppo for lunch. I had eggplant parmesan. We did not sit at the Pope's Table. It was awesome to go out to lunch with my husband...alone. And it was like a date. My husband had no idea how neurotic I am and how much I worry, so he was really surprised to see me smiling and happy and excited about this thing. At about 11 weeks, my blood sugar stabilized, the fatigue went away, and I felt...fine. Like nothing. I was sure something was wrong. horribly, horribly wrong. How did this man not know what a whackjob I am?
• Of course, when we got back from our date, we took Chuckles to the pediatrician because he just wasn't right (up 11 times in the night vomiting (of the cough-cough-puke variety), fever, cranky). He has strep. He's getting brand new toothbrushes tonight. Woo woo. After only one dose of antibiotics, he was looking and feeling much better and slept through the night (a little Motrin is a good thing). Since puking and fevers are no strangers here, we knew what to do, when to worry, and I had the suppository acetominophen at the ready should it be necessary.
• Strep is not dangerous in pregnancy if treated promptly. So far, I do not have a sore throat, although the ped said it is very common for parents to get it. He was sleeping in my bed and puking on me the night before, so I imagine I am exposed.
• We had an impromptu BBQ at our house today. Brats, polish, hot dogs, bean salad, guacamole, chips, cake, drinks, corn on the cob from Florida, and some other random food we had in the house. It was fun. And exhausting.
• I swear to you, about once a day, I feel the fetus (it's oficially a fetus now...no longer an embryo) move. Just a tiny bit. I know I felt it early with Chuckles too. It's not much, it's not strong, and it could easily be mistaken for something else, but I know what it is. It feels like someone tapping their fingernails on the desk inside my body.
• Chuckles napped on the Living Room floor today. Yesterday it was upside down on a pillow on thh hardwood in my room. I have no idea about this kid! I should say that my floor was after an hour of trying to get him to sleep and at one point, I am sure I feel asleep for a half hour and woke up to him playing cards next to me. Very funny, that.

Mother's Day Bulletized Points

• In honor of MOther's Day, my son slept until 8:15 this morning (after 5 in my bed with no diaper, but nothing of note to report about that).
• In honor of Mother's Day, my quiche is in the oven. We have two quiches, French Toast Casserole, and banana muffins with cream cheese frosting. The only person coming is my dad. Odd, that. But hte brunch is for me so it doesn't matter.
• In honor of Mother's Day, Day Care made cards where the kids said, "I love my mom because..." and then they all filled it in. We got a copy of what everyone said.

• Chuckles: She hugs and kisses me.

  Meghan: She gets the fungus out of my ears. (!!!)

  Jim: She buys me things. (Now that's a man with priorities.)

  Robbie: I love my mom. (Robbie is not necessarily the brightest bulb in the box.)

  Name so unique I cannot use it: She takes me fun places and lights me. (OK, then.)

• The class picture also came home and I must say, my child is FREAKIN' adorable and so grown up. Makes me want to have another...wait, good, then.
• It's raining, so outdoor activities will be curtailed but I did finish planting all my pretty perrenial flowers yesterday, so the rain will do them good.

Bullet Points are a Tired Mom's Friend

• Had 35 people in for Chuckles's 3rd birthday party. It rocked. As he was born on Cinqo de Mayo, we had amazing tacos and tamales. So tasty and good. The leftovers fed us for days.
• The pinata at the party was a big hit. There were prizes for kids and adults. Someone went home with a 200-ounce jug of laundry detergent. What's not to love? Someone else got domino magazine (home decorating). And teh kids got kazoos and stickers and little bit of candy.
• I blew the day care party on Monday and did not send a cake. I sent fruit leather, Pirate Cannon Balls, and Veggie Booty. He wore a crown and they all sang to him. He seemed fine with his lack of cake but one of the girls at school was bummed that there would be no cupcakes.
• In honor of his birthday, school declared Monday pajama day, since I believe I mentioned that sometimes Chuckles wears jammies to school. He's been getting dressed really well since then because jammie day is only on your birthday so today is clothes day at school. Why i didn't think of that line sooner, I'll never know.
• I have my UltraScreen scheduled for somewhere in Orland Park with a maternal fetal medicine specialist who is on my insurance. Huzzah. It's a week from today. I am not worried. I am zen. Zen, dammit.
• Chuckles went on a sleep strike for a couple of days and it was rough, but everything is as good as it has been lately. He was in my bed this morning, but for most of the night in his own bed, so that's good.
• I have technically been released from pelvic rest, but with the continuation of progesterone supplementation (you do know where I put those, right) for the next two weeks, I am unable to figure out the logistics of it. And let's face it, my libido is toast. Although I am sure my shoulders would be a lot less tense if I had a rhymes-with-smorgasm.
• My mother-in-law fixed us dinner on Wednesday and sent the leftovers home with us, so we ate again today. Woo Hoo.
• My land line telephone in the house has not had a dial tone since Sunday and the internet connection is hit or miss. They say it will be back by tomorrow at 7pm. I sure hope our bill reflects credit for this period. We keep getting random ringing (like an auto-dialer or a fax) in quick succession with no one there.
• I forgot to pay day care, but no one confiscated my child, so that's good.
• Our tax rebate thingamajig came, so I guess we can fill up the tanks. I spent over $50 on Tuesday putting gas in my vehicle. But I'm not complaining. Higher prices spur conservation.
• Oh, the phone just rang...it's teh auto-dialer again. That means they are working on the line. Whee.
• Oh, the internet went down when the phone rang. Oh, it's back. Neat-o. I'm liveblogging my life. Yipee.
• I voted on Tuesday. There were irregularities in Lake County, Indiana, my county of residence and voting. I voted for Ron Paul. I don't necessarily agree with him and I don't think I'd want him to be President, but I am trying to send McCain (and Obama and Hillary too) a message about Vice-Presidential picks. Think outside the box or even outside the party. Evan Bayh might be a good running mate. He's all "The Third Way". I also voted for a guy whose name on the balloy was Mike "The Waiter" White. I figured with a name like that, he was a mobster and I'd better vote for him, if I knew what was good for me.
• I have a boy name and a girl name picked out. Now, I just need to wait 6 months. Yes, that won't kill me at all. I am not the queen of instant gratification.
• About the c-section, thanks for the support. It's nice to know people have my back. I did know that they cannot make me have a c-section but I want to stay on good terms with my provider so I don't want to show up at the hospital in labor and have him watching his watch so he can leave. I want a provider who is on-board with the VBAC. Supportive would even be nice. My aunt is actually a Certified Nurse Midwife (no longer practicing) and we talked about it at Chuckles's party and some of her former colleagues would be willing to deliver me; however, they are in the City. I am not sure how onboard I am with doing all my prenatal care in teh City and then needing to go to the hospital in November (in snow?!?) in the City, in traffic, over what will probably be a holiday weekend. Happy Thanksgiving. It's a toss up between convenience and my desire to avoid major abdominal surgery again. I really just wish that I hadn't had teh c-section the first time because then this would just be a VB and not an AC. If only my doctor had repositioned my son with forceps, I'd be sitting here thinking about to epidural or not. Instead I am contemplating getting a whole new doctor. I am going to call L&D at the hospital (which publicly supports VBAC) and find out who in teh area actually does them, and then I might switch doctors. And get a doula. There's a DONA registered doula in my neighborhood (two streets over and a block down), so I might hire her if I opt out of the scheduled section. I need more support than my husband can give and I found the nurses less-than-helpful last time. One of them yelled at me for not telling her I was having back labor (like I knew the difference). And I think someone else told me I couldn't say it hurt if I wasn't going to take pain relief. When the contraction was over I mentioned that it didn't hurt now. So, yes, a doula if I am going to do that again. Yes. Go doulas.
• Other than all that, things are good. The internet appears up right now, so I better post before the auto-dialer strikes again.
• Oh wait, one more thing... I invited my moms and MIL over for mother's day brunch but no one can RSVP since our phones are down. French Toast Casserole and Quiche on Sunday with champagne and orange juice.

I = Dork

Q: Do you know what is better than getting comments on a blog post?
A: Nothing, that's what. Wait, no, I take it back, useful comments are even better.

On the last post, I asked if anyone knew of a specific place in greater Chicagoland where I could get an Ultrascreen (NT measurement, blood test) and someone actually had one done in Chicagoland and told me. Thanks, Bobbi. I happen to love Evanston hospital. I've actually never been inside, but I distinctly (barely actually) remember tailgating right outside that hospital one cold Saturday morning in 1995 at then-named Dyche Stadium. I was the drunk girl just to the left of Mustard's Last Stand hot dog stand. So, I will call Evanston Hospital and see if I can't find a doctor to get me in there. I actually have a friend who had a baby in that very hospital in 2006 and she's coming to my house this very weekend, so I may pepper her with questions and doctor's names as well. I'd love to go to Evanston. I could make a day of it. I could get Tapas at that Tapas place and go to Whole Foods. Oh, yes. I feel much better.

Sir (or Lady) Squirms-A-Lot

The new baby is squirmy. They were unable to get a heartbeat with a Doppler, so they slid an ultrasound machine ito the room and gave me a quick little peek inside. Still no heartbeat (too squirmy) but a moving baby is a live baby with a heartbeat. The little guy (or gal) is much higher than anticipated. We were all searching with the Doppler for the heartbeat down low by my c-section scar but when they actually found the baby, it was up near my belly button.

My blood sugar is low but it's not a concern. Keep eating.

My doctors do not do VBAC, so I guess I am scheduling a c-section for some Monday in November (they do scheduled sections on Mondays). I'm not thrilled about this, but I know that finding somone to let you have a VBAC is getting harder and harder, despite everyone's contention that the c-section rate is too high and they should get it down (safely). Apparently, the insurance companies run the show. It's OK. I'm a little bummed but there are up-sides to scheduling I guess.

And here is squirmy for your squinting and viewing pleasure. Head is on the left (two dark circles are eye sockets, then a bright nose, and the mouth).

Oh, and there is no one qualified to do the Ultra-Screen in NW Indiana. If I can find someone who will do it, my doctor will write me the order. Apparently, measuring the nuchal fold takes training. I am willing to travel up to 2 hours to have this test done. Does anyone know of a place from Indianapolis to Milwaukee where this is done (someone in Chicago must do this, right)?

Random Bulletized Updates

• I was right and my ability to control my blood sugar is pretty much non-existent. I can be in teh middle of eating a piece of funfetti cake and only put up 104. After a week of testing, 104 is the highest I've ever had (and I don't wait after eating to test). I believe 64 is the lowest I've seen. Most readings are between 76 and 83. If I had diabetes, I suppose they'd say I was well-controlled. So, the new plan is to swear off of lab-carb and eat whatever and whenever I want. And if the what and when happens to be a Blue Bunny ice cream sandwich at 7pm on Friday from the ice cream truck, well then so be it.
• When I flagged the ice cream truck down, I was a really weird moment. I was the THE MOM. I walked into the house calmly, got my purse, and walked quietly to the curb. I flagged the truck, ordered, and paid out of my wallet. I was THE MOM. I was not on my bike chasing the truck down. I was not running wildly with money in my hand hoping I had enough. I was A MOM. And I gave Chuckles his first ice cream novelty from the truck. And he thinks I rock. The next night, we got ice cream from the old Fotomat near our house that's now a Froyo stand. They have a kids' ice cream that has candy eyes. He had only had it once before (last summer), but when we pulled up, he said, "I want somesing wif eyes." So, there you have it.
• Next week is Chuckles's birthday party and we are panic cleaning. Is there any other kind? I need to remember to host a party quarterly so things get done around here.
• Chuckles is asleep on the dining room floor right now. I told him to go take a nap, and that is what and where he did. I have no idea what's up with him. This is so uncharacteristic, I don't even know what to say. But I'm thankful because his nap required no participation on my part, and I am NOTHING if not lazy.
• For dinner tonight: grilled pork chops, grilled marinated portobello mushrooms, grilled marinated eggplant, brown rice, and maybe a salad. Yummy.
• I planted my flowers yesterday. I know you're thinking, "But it's too early. It's not May 15th yet." I know. I know. I know my mom never put plants in before May 15th. And I know I have never ever waited that long. I checked the 15-day forecast and there will be no frost, so it should be OK. Besides, I like to have the flowers in before Chuckles's birthday. In three weeks when I am complaining that all my flowers were zapped by a hard freeze, try not to remind me of this, k?
• So, I guess I am still pregnant. I say, I guess, because how do people know that everything is OK. With Chuckles, I had reassuring blood tests and ultrasounds all the time. This time, notsomuch. I got on Thursday and I will be 11 weeks. Will they be able to get a heartbeat with a Doppler then? OK, I am googling "pregnancy heartbeat Doppler" right now in the other window...."Beginning as early as the eighth week of pregnancy, you and your health care provider may be able to detect your baby’s heart rate." So, there you have it. I'm not excessively heavy, so even if we weren't able to get it at Wekk 8, we'd be able to get it three weeks later. We should have a heartbeat to hear on Thursday, and I guess if not, I get an ultrasound. Speaking of ultrasounds, I want to ask about the UltraScreen at my appointment. I want it done. I have no idea what road I'd take if the results were suboptimal, but I cannot live in ignorance. That is all. I like to be prepared.
• What else will I ask about at my appointment? Let's see....blood sugar, UltraScreen, VBAC (possibility of), pelvic rest (continuation of), progesterone suppositories (continuation of), and maybe something fun and typical of a pregnant woman like soft cheese, lunch meat, or weight gain. I figure myself rather well-informed, so I really just need them for their equipment and referral pad (ohhh, let's give her 1x blood test and 1x ultrasound and some prenatal vitamin samples).
• Chuckles is up and confused. Gotta run.

Blood, Sugar

The other day, Chuckles went for his 3rd Birthday Well-Child visit with the pediatrician. He needed a lead test, so off to the lab we trotted. My child can cot off a line like nobody's business, so the kindly lab tech (whom we have had before and she thinks Chuckles is as charming as I do when he says "Owie") decided to prick his finger and get the two tubes that way (after having the little butterfly vein thing not work out so well). Anyway, Chuckles didn't even realize that he was bleeding. He thought that blood that was everywhere (I mean really everywhere, floor, tech's gloves, all over his hands, and in the tubes, on the table, and dripping onto my lab) was paint or marker, so no major trauma there. All though, he has an ear infection so we'll need to go back again in a few weeks to have his continuin cough, swollen tonsils, and of course, ears rechecked.

As for the sugar, I am pretty sure I am completely unable to control my blood sugar. I don't think it' s going too high, but I am pretty sure it's dropping too low. I'm hypoglycemic, I guess. I have the typical symptoms of shaky and overly emotional (and I don't think it's hormonal because it goes away if I eat). Mr. Long-Suffering is at the pharmacy buying my a blood glucose monitor right now. My doctor's office said it was too soon to order any tests and that it sounded weird, but I have PCOS which is characterized by an inablility to control insulin and blood sugar, so I'm not terribly surprised. So, I'm keeping a blood sugar diary and a food diary and I'll bring it to the doctor with me in two weeks. For now, I'm trying to keep a little low-carb and higher protein. But it's hard because I have so many food aversions right now that food rarely sounds good. Pity, I know. I just had cole slaw and a kiwi. Odd lunch. On the plus side, this is what it takes for me to swear off of ice cream, cookies, and candy bars. They all leave me feeling like crap, so that's a bonus.

I got some comments on my post about being unable to get my child dressed. I love the idea about the puppet. As for going to school in pajamas. It happens between 1 and 3 times a week as it is, and even that is hard because getting him to remove his pants, put on unerpants and then put pants back on is a real challenge. Oh, he woke up from his nap. I'm off.

Scheduling/Conflict

I have had it up to here (picture me putting my hand very near the top of my head) with doctors' offices. I do not understand why it is so difficult to schedule an appointment. Let's just say that through fault of mine, I needed to reschedule my 10-week ob appointment. I told them my schedule was completely open the entire week except for the time of my apoointment, lucky right? Anyway, they schedule me in to something an entire week different. And later. So, now my 10-week ob appointment is my 11-week ob appointment. That means I can go for the UltraScreen just as soon as I get the slip for it. Whoopee.

Also, a month ago, I tried to schedule Chuckles with his pediatrician. I called the appointments area and asked for an appointment a few weeks' away and I wanted last appt of the day. She offered 10 am. She said it was first available. I said I did not want first available, I wanted late afternoon. Then I asked what time the last appointment was, and she could not answer. She just said it would be hard to do that. She was going to have to look at every day and tell me what appointments were open, so I told her to start. She kept offering 10:15, 1:30, noon, 11 am appointments and I kept reiterating my preference for late afternoon, you know like 4, 4:15, 4:30, or something. She went through every single day for a week and never once offered anything as late as even 4:00. Eventually, I sighed a heavy sigh and took a 2:45 appointment. Is it really that hard to understand that I WORK during the day and would like a little evening appointment so I do not have to take a vacation day or spend 1.5 hours in the car driving to and from the doctor for a mid-day appointment, nevermind the psychological toll leaving day care, going to the doctor, and then coming back would have on my child. Two drop offs in one day is more than I can handle.

Speaking of handling the drop off. I have been having rough mornings. They go something like this:
Me: It's time to get dressed.
Chuckles: I can do it myself.
Me: OK, do it.
Ch: I can do it.
Me: OK, then do it.
Ch: I do it (while not actually doing it).
Me: OK, let's start with your underpants (me taking undies out of the drawer).
Ch: No, I do it. (slamming drawer shut without getting underwear out.)
Me: OK, if you can do it, then do it. You have three seconds to pick out your underwear before I do it for you. One, two,
Ch: No, I do it.
Me: Do it! Three.
Ch: Nononononono, I do it.
Me (getting underwear out of the drawer): Put these on NOW.
Ch: I do it.
Me (attempting to put his underwear on him while fending off the feets of fury that are kicking me): Ok, let's get these underwear on (in artifically chipper voice).
Repeat for pants, socks, shirt, coat, shoes, and so on.

I was late to work on Monday after this. This morning I pitched him unceremoniously from the car at day care and told him I had to go because I was late.

I tried laying the clothes out so there would be no picking, but it does not help. Yesterday, he started crying because I "screamed" at him. Not true, although the voice was raised. Where am I going wrong? I have no idea what to do. I tried turning it into a game, a race, putting his undies on his head and asking him whether he could do better, but still, I wind up in tears in the car because I am frustrated, I raised my voice and now my child is crying because I "screamed". Just put your damn pants on already so we can go! Send help.

Still here

Nausea. It's a beautiful thing. However, waking up shaking at 2 am because your blood sugar dropped a wee bit low is not so great. But whatever. As long as I was up.... I think I will ask about this at my 10-week appointment.

We went to a family birthday party Sunday and I am pretty sure it could not have been more awkward if Mr. Long-Suffering had actually gotten up on the table and announced my pregnancy. Heck, he mentioned it to someone in Trader Joe's while I was buying sesame butter.

Speaking of 10-week appointments, I think I will be getting my orders for the Ultra-Screen. I am really looking forward to another ultrasound with, what I hope will be good news.

With tomorrow as the tax deadline, I finished up my IRA contributions. Woo Hoo. Buying low, I say. With the market in the tank. Oh well.

I need ideas of toy solutions for the living room (AKA playroom) and the familiy (aka the downstairs playroom). I looked at IKEA and saw some cute cubbyholed furniture that I might like, but we need to make sure all jobs are stable here (big re-org at man's work) first. Whew.

Who are you?

So, you know that Christmas coffee commercial where Peter surprises his mom and makes the coffee. Well, I was pegnant with Chuckles during Christmas 2004. Every stupid time that 28-year old commercial came on, I cried. So, I am looking forward to being pregnant during the summer because the thought of that commercial brings tears to my eyes. Hormones. Can't live with them, can't stay pregnant without them.

I made homemade from scratch waffles for breakfast. I needed them. Because my name is not actually Suzie homemaker, I made mac-n-cheeze from a box for lunch (sure, I replaced the mac with quinoa pasta and I three some greens beans in the boiling water, but still...from a box and it's wasn't even Kraft. It was Valu-Tyme.).

I am 8 weeks now and the nausea abated somewhat in the middle of this last week, and I have to say I was freaked right out. With Chuckles, I bled and bled and bled, so someone was always offering me a beta or an ultrasound or some other pat-on-the-hand reassurance. I made a rookie mistake. I got my repeat betas and my ultrasound done too close together. I should have spaced them out to keep a somewhat constant supply of reassurance coming my way. Cogito ergo worry (I think, therefore I worry.). But, the nausea is back, so I am somewhat reassured. But now, I'm sick. It's a double-edged sword.

Speaking of Chuckles...I hadn't thought it possible, but he's even more adorable now than he was a year ago, last week or yesterday. He sprang into our room at 5 o'clock this morning announcing that he was a big boy who slept in his room all night by himself. I agreed and told him to climb in bed with us until morning.

We don't have cable TV, but dtv.gov says that on Feb. 17, 2009, analog signals are going away. So, we headed to Radio Shack this morning (without Chuckles) with our $40 US government coupon to get a digital convertor set top box. So far, we love it. We get about 30 channels now. After the coupon, it was $25. Don't get me started on why the government (meaning me, the taxpayer) is subsidizing television viewing, but so far, this digital TV thing is pretty cool. We did lose Chicago's Channel 2 though. It was never that good anyway. CBS, schmee bee ess. We can still get it, if we turn the convertor off. We get like 8 PBS channels now (qubo, maybe). I am not even kidding. I think we might even be able to pick up wilwaukee public TV if we try hard enough! We get quite a few foreign language stations - not just Spanish. This more it was all Lithuanian all the time. Sometimes, it's Korean. Who knows!

BONE

As in, bone tired. I put Chuckles down for his nap (by telling him to go lay down and take a nap, kissing him, and leaving the room....whose child is this?) and then I went to lay in my bed to wait for him to come out, and I guess he never did, because the next thing I remember is that it's well over an hour later and there is drool running down the side of my face. Attractive and relaxing.

Mr. Long-Suffering (who, if you eat your vegetables, you will grow up to tbe big and strong like) has moved away from boring powerpoint presentations on to practice problems and tests. So, the computer is free. He asked me to look at one of the problems for him and said "Integrate this!" and I was like, uhm, maybe I could figure out how to integrate something with a gun to my head, but no thanks. The memory is shot. It's been what? 14 years since I took calculus.

This is our first spring with Lisa the Escape Artist cat who cannot figure out how to telelport through the glass to get the bird, but oh, how she tries!

I took Chuckles to a farm on Saturday to leave the man of the house home to study. He saw horses, but he didn't see any piggies but he could smell thems, so there's that. Then we went on a 1.5 mile nature walk and he did the whole thing.

In completely unrelated news, I had a spotting incident on Saturday but it was light light light and brown, so I think everything is still as good as it was. Plus, the all-day sickness has not abated. No siree, not at all. I did lose 2 or 3 pounds though. I eat. All day, but what I eat is so friggin' healthy, I'm bound to lose weight. Apple, anyone. Ice cold fruit just sounds so good.

I am not winning so many of the auctions on ebay for the books I wanted so I may just end up buying new off of amazon, since if I'm only going to save $1, I might as well have new. We'll see. I'm a sucker for saving a dollar.

Cooking: I have actually had enough energy and time and desire to cook, so I grilled three nights in a row (Porterhouse Steak, chicken, and lamb chops). Rissotto, brown rice, asparagus, salad, and so on. Yum. Food.

So Tired

• I am so tired. So very very sick and tired. I love every minute of it and take nothing for granted but really where was zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz I? Oh yes, tired.
• I am so happy that nbc's "Chuck" was renewed for another season. One of the best shows on TV, I kid you not. I look forward to nursing whilst watching.
• The spotting seems to have resolved.
• Because of the spotting, I got repeat betas drawn. Thursday at 1pm was 45,000 and Saturday at 10 am was 60,000. It's no doubling in two days but with numbers that high, the doubling rate peters off. So, we are good to go. Go where, you ask?
• For an ultrasound, numbers that high meant that if I had an ultrasound done, we were pretty much assured a gestational sack and a fetal pole. Well, I had the ultrasound on Tuesday (April Fool's Day) and there was ONE intrauterine gestational sack, one fetal pole, and one thumping bit of cardiac activity. That was 6 weeks, 5 days. So, huzzah.
• Because it was April Fool's Day. We called our parents and told them I was pregnant and then told them Happy April Fool's Day. And then told them we were just wishing them a Happy April Fool's Day and I really was pregnant and then told them Happy April Fool's Day again. When we got off the phone, I am not sure they knew I was pregnant. But it was a lot of fun and the immediate family knows now (parents and siblings). Chuckles doe snot know and will not need to know for months and months.
• Two kids at Chuckles's school had lice so we had to clean/bag everything that was at school that day. Poor kid had the scrubbing of a lifetime but got to strip naked in the garage, which sounds like a lot of fun. It appears we may have escaped infestation.
• I cannot believe I am still awake. It's 7 minutes after nine. I haven't been up this late in two weeks!
• I'm off to ebay to look for a few books (Happiest Baby on the Block, No-Cry Sleep Solution, Siblings without Rivalry, etc). Can you tell, I am actually starting to think this might all work out?

The Fun & Sexy Stuff

Rule #1: There will be no sexy stuff at my house as I am on pelvic rest due to the spotting issue. I was on pelvic rest entire 1st trimester with Chuckles so this is not entirely unexpected. Mr. Long-Suffering is suitably amused, I assure you.

Rule #2: There will be no sexy stuff at my house as I have basically lost bladder control. Only in the morning or overnight when the progesterone is in, so I think it has something to do with the relaxing effect progesterone has on muscles. Or something. But still. Please tell me I am not in for 7 more months of seven drops leaking out. I must do Kegels, but I am not entirely sure I am doing them right. I am just stopping the flow whilst urinating right now. Hopefully, that is enough. Let us never speak of this again, and for the love of me, do not tell a joke. Got it?

Rule #3: There is no rule number three.

Rule #4: If you come to visit me at my house, bring dinner, but make sure it has absolutely no scent whatsoever because I am queasy all the time. Always. Right now, in fact. And first thing this morning, and last thing last night. And I used to think it was nice that the deli counter smells like fried chicken, but now I just want to hold my breath and run (which is not a winning combination as running is an aerobic (or air-loving) activity).

Rule #5: Leave me sleeping wherever you find me UNLESS it is my bedtime, in which case wake me up and tell me to go to bed. When I told my husband this, he thought I was nuts, but I reminded him that I take my vitamins and do my progesterone before bed, so I really need to go to bed. Even though I am asleep already. Note: I fell asleep on the couch today after lunch while reading Chuckles a book for the third consecutive time. Man and boy let me sleep (for like an hour!) right there on one couch cushion.

Rule #6: Meals are what you make of them, and if you are me and keeping food down, so much the better. Lunch today was tater tots (mmmm, so good) and pineapple chunks. Breakfast was oatmeal. Who knows what dinner will bring? I'd just like to give a Shout Out to Ore'Ida tater tots which I doubt I have had since childhood, but why oh why not, they were so good. Mr. L-S is really enjoying this because I never let us eat like this. Hot hot right out of the oven tater tots with ice cold ketchup. Chuckles had some off of my plate and commented that he "love thems". Too cute.

Where the world have I been?

I've ben gone nine days from here. Impossible. Mr. Long-Suffering is studying to take his Boards or the Bar or something so he is on the computer every night after Chuckles goes to bed doing sample problems and watching a really monotone slide show. Where else have I been?

• the bathroom x1300/day
• work
• my ob visit, first (which was AWESOME because they just did whatever I said like this is my due date, give me an ultrasound, give me more betas and so on....saw the male doctor...will totally see him again)
• Goodwill's 50% off day sale today and got some super-cute maternity clothes because I am nothing if not someone who counts her chickens before they are hatched

So, speaking of compltely jinxing myself, I bled or spotted or something. So, I moved my ob visit up a day (after being terribly, horribly ill the previous day with fever and vomiting and whatnot). The spotting is gone. There is no cramping. I think there is morning sickness in abundance but I can't be sure it's not just sickness.

Anyway, I am going to schedule an ultrasound for this week. I'm 6 weeks 2 days (6w2d) right now and if I get an ultrasound, a heartbeat should be present, so I should do that. I had serial betas drawn Thursday and Saturday and I should get the results Monday.

Lastly, at my ob visit, I discovered that my progesterone level (with supplementation) is 16.2 (units?). That's really low. But there is nothing else I know to do other than supplement when it's low like that, so I guess I just keep on doing what I'm doing. And not crying and not worrying.

No crying and no worrying. I'm surprisngly zen about this. If the embryo is genetically normal and healthy, I am convinced everything will be fine. I have no idea why I think this, but I do. If the embryo is not healthy or not genetically normal, I will miscarry and everything will, eventually, be fine. This is so polar opposite from where I was with Chuckles that it's like I'm on a different planet.

So, please post your low progesterone success stories....anyone have a 10 or 12 upstairs napping right now?

Tuesdays

So, come Monday, Chuckles was not only still ill but perhaps a bit worse, so I called off of work for Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday (I don't mess around). First thing Monday, I called the pediatrician and they told me to come right in right then. So, I did.

Chuckles was examined by the same doctor who saw him on Saturday and I was told I did the right thing bringing him back because he was much more ill. He had developed an ear infection in both ears and some kind of something on his tonsils. They swabbed his nose and it was negative for influenza (however, this did not stop my mom from telling a story about a woman she knows who got the flu this year and DIED). Since he didn't have strep, didn't have the flu, and an ear infection would not produce the wide range and severity of symptoms he was experiencing, we were sent immediately (do not pass go, do not collect $200...in fact give us $200) to the hospital to have a million tests run (CBC, metabolic panel, mononucleosis test, Epstein-Barr, various and sundry cultures for blood, urine, and feces). We also got a script for azithromycin for the ear infections. We were not given amoxicillin because of a strange cross-reaction with mono. Testing for mono in young children is difficult because they cannot tell you where it hurts and the tests are not as accurate on the young.

The blood results are not all back yet but those that are back are normal for a bad cold. That's good news. I guess. Sometimes, I was a diagnosis so we can move forward with treatment. The kid's been sick for 9 days and today was teh first time I saw him eat food in any quantity other than "tiny". Today's consumption was merely "small".

Oh, and I got a call from my doctor's office today. Stay on the progesterone. No numbers were given. I guess I'll get those at my first OB visit which I need to schedule. And I think I can convince them to give me an ultrasound for "dating" because with my LMP, I should have had a MUCH higher beta (nevermind that I know my conception date...give me the ultrasound). And I was told that once I have a definitive diagnosis for Chuckles to call them or my primary care physician to find out whether there was a bad thing for pregnant women. I do have a low-grade fever and have been taking tylenol. Dude, I'm pregnant. That boggles the mind.

Did I mention that while having his billion vials of blood drawn, Chuckles clotted off and they had to stick him in the other arm (during which he said, and I quote, "owie" with no inflection at all)? I didn't mention that? I must be blocking things out to protect myself again.

Zen

Oh, I know, you're wondering how I have maintained my steely calm through all that has been happening at my house, especially considering that I gave up wine. Well, here are my tips:

• Call the doctor's office every 45 to 90 seconds just hoping that once, for the love of god to you ever answer the phone and not let it go to voicemail?, they might answer the phone and reveal all right then and there.
• Google things like beta hcg pregnancy outcome
• Weigh Chuckles to ensure he is not slipping into dangerously dehydrated territory
• Do laundry (see also Vomit Boy with amazing aim)
• Eat cookies and drink chocolate milk
• Take photos of hpt and blog them

That's all I got.

Where else have I been?

Way back on Feb 29th, I mentioned that I would pee on a stick on March 8th (or 10dpo) and let you know the answer. I didn't want to answer you yet because the story would have been both frustrating and unfulfilling because I honestly didn't know the answer.

Well, I peed on the stick but I had no answers. Here's what happened: Chuckles woke up early, so I got up to get him and I peed in my cup and took the dropper and put 4 drops on the test and washed my hands because apparently, I am not so careful in the dark. Then I looked at the test in the nightlight and saw nothing at all. My husband got up and looked at it and saw nothing. A good 30 minutes later, I came back to brush my teeth and saw something, but it was after the 10-minute time limit and it was not entirely clear to me that it was a line and not something like maybe an evaporation line (which is the devil's work, I tell you) or just an area of slight discoloration. Now, I've peed on a lot of New Choice pregnancy tests. They are my test of choice (only $1 at the Dollar Store with a sensitivity of 25 mIU/ml and who wants to spend $15 only to be told, again, that they are not pregnant), and I've never seen anything other than a clear negative. To convince yourself a tiny bit, you'd have needed to tilt the test just so, squint like this, and have the light of a thousand suns at your back.

So, I was intrigued but not convinced that there was anything to see here, move along. My first morning urine was gone so I could not even retest because at 10dpo, first of the day was the only thing that would work. I decided against beer with my pizza that night just in case, but I was NOT getting excited and my husband is smarter than to be optimistic ever unless I specifically say, "OK, be happy now."

So, this is what I saw...see why I wasn't sure what to think. Not much there, eh?

So, Sunday and Monday mornings I again, dutifully, peed on sticks and saw something a little bit more convincing but still, not so much. But I told myself it was only 11 and 12dpo.

Here are Sunday and Monday's tests for your viewing pleasure.

Monday, I called off of work to stay home with sick Chuckles so I thought this was quite handy as I could pop in to my doctor and get a blood test to put this madness to an end. I started calling the office at 7:30 and called every 90 seconds until they opened at 8:03. My person would not be in until 9:30. Damn. So I went to work (Mr. Long-Suffering came home so I could attend my first day on the job). My office didn't call back until 6:30 that night.

First thing Tuesday morning, I went and had my blood drawn. And I waited for a call. And I waited and waited and waited. No call. Wednesday came and Wednesday almost went. At almost 7pm, Chuckles and I were (naked) about to hop into the shower. The phone rang. It was the nurse. My beta was back (but none of the other tests like progesterone which is actually rather important). It was 221. I was flabbergasted. 221. Woo Hoo. At 13dpo with Chuckles, it was 37 or somesuch, so I was prepared for any number greater than 25 to be regarded as good, but cautious, news. So, woo hoo. They did not want to repeat to check for doubling betas since this was basically an unmedicated cycle (apparently, the progesterone sticks in my, err mind, more than in theirs). They'll call me back when the rest of the blood work comes in. It's Saturday, that was Wednesday, I haven't heard from them yet, but there was a culture involved so perhaps they need to wait to see whether anything grows.

So, as of right now, I am pregnant. Not to jinx myself or anything, but a theoretical due date is November 20th. I am continuing progesterone and trying not to count any theoretical chickens before they theoretically hatch.

Where have I been?

I know, this was a long absence, and I'm sorry I've been gone so long. A lot has happened. Where to start?

Chuckles missed school 3 days this week. In fact, I started my new job on MOnday and as my first official act, I called off sick to stay home with him. We have fevers over 103 F and we have vomiting, diarrhea, and a general crankiness that's actually kind of sweet. If you've been following along since last summer, you'll remember that Chuckles contracted salmonella last year and became severely dehydrated and quite ill. So, vomit and I, we are old enemies. But hte good news is, I am all ready when this happens. I have pedialyte and acetominophen suppositories (you know, for when they can't keep anything down). I also have a scale present so that we can see how much weight is lost. He's napping now and I think he'll pull out of this just fine. It's been a long week and I am tired.

Where else have I been? The doctor's office. That's right Chuckles went this morning just to get checked out. He got a strep throat culture which was negative and we were told that if this is still going on Monday, we need to be seen again.

Thankful

I just got back. I was at a (what do you call it when you go to the funeral home to pay your respects to the family but it's not a funeral yet? Is it a wake, a visitation, or calling hours?). Anyway, I was at one of those. One of Chuckles's day care teachers had a son who only lived two weeks. It was her first and only child. The medical and funeral bills are staggering for a single mom who works at a day care. And she had a c-section and had to stand there and receive visitors. I heard her recite over and over his birth stats just like any proud mother who was seeing people for the first time after the birth of her baby.

Did you know that they have a special book for you to sign when you go to a baby's wake? Instead of the cream colored pages with gold letters, it's all bunnies and duckies and flowers and butterflies, and I am just horrified for her. It's the loss of hope and dreams that makes this hardest. Every dream a mother has about what will my child look like, what will he be when he grows up, is what is lost.

He had a congenital birth defect that was known prior to his birth; however, the severity was not fully realized until after birth. He was given excellent prognosis and was supposed to live. So, she has a nursery set up, and a car seat, and a stroller, a layette washed in Dreft sitting in the dresser drawers, and books and stuffed anoimals all waiting for her at her house. And when her maternity leave is done, she goes back to work at a day care with everyone else's healthy, live children.

For those of you who have never attended a visitation for an infant, let me tell you that it is hard. The fact that tiny coffins even exist freaks me out in ways I cannot describe. Of course, after Chuckles was born, I was constantly aware that he could die, but it was abstract. I had a fear that he would die, but I never had the concrete fear like the reality this mom is now living. This mother had to pick out a tiny coffin and those cards with the name and dates on them and had to pick, instead of a going-home-from-the-hospital outfit, a funeral outfit, which by the way was very cute (blue with bears and a matching hat).

So, as you can tell, this was an open casket affair. He looked fine. He looked like a sleeping baby. He had fat hands and chubby cheeks and eyelashes. His mouth was pursed up just like a baby's mouth. He was laying on a blanket his grandmother had knitted for him. He had a few stuffed animals around him that you could see had been with him in his isolette. Occasionally, his mother would glance down and stroke the top of his head or touch his tiny baby hand with all those itty-bitty finger nails. And, I know a lot of people find death creepy, but I say, "Touch his head because you'll never get to do it again."

And since this was her first child, what is her answer to the question: "Are you a mother?" or "Do you have any children?" At the end of the day, what does our society call people who have no children in their house at night but who would do anything to make that not so?

And, saddest of all (as if this wasn't sad enough already), she doesn't know what color his eyes were because he only opened them half-way one time and all she could tell was that they were probably dark. But she'll never know.

Mmmm, Bar-Be-Que

Ever since the dawn of time, or this time last year, my son has referred to me as a grill. He also liked to sit on my yap and tell Yeesha, the cat, "No, you do not go outside!" while pumping his fist in the air like the littlest Black Power supporter.

Well, my baby is growing up. In the last week, he has started referring to both Lisa and me as girls and he enjoys sitting in my lap to read stories before bed. <> And we moved the crib out of his room into the guest bedroom. I did not have the heart to move it to the basement even though we won't need it for a minimum of a year.

Sorry for my Absence

See, here's the thing. I've been busy...err getting busy. Every day for forever I peed on a stick and everyday my monitor said "Ha. Not." And then one day on CD25, my monitor said, "Feh." On CD26, my monitor said, "Eh, Feh." but then on CD27, my monitor said, "What are you doing here with me? Get thee to the rogering chamber." So, uhm, I've been there for the last few days, only emerging for glasses of water and vitamins (and work and LOST).

I test March 8th. Wish me luck.

Sometimes, I am blonde

This is a long story. Where to start?

I have a 22-year old intern who used to work for me. He just bought his first new car. A little blue Honda Civic. He drove to a meeting at work and promptly fell into a car-sized pot hole filled with ice and couldn't get out but as he was trying, he was spraying dirty ice ater al over his new car (which was instantly freezing to every surface the water touched...and then he ran out of washer fluid).

So, I went out to help him. I drive a big truck and I carry rope. But someone had a little harness thing with hooks and whatnot. So, I towed him stuck ass out of the hole. And while I was doing it, my low fuel light went on.

So, after work, I went and got gas (and a car wash, because I got some of that dirt-ice on my truck too). I swiped my card at the pay at the pump and then I put the nozzle into my tank-hole (ha, I said tank-hold). I clicked it a couple of times to reset the pump to zero to make it go. But the gas did not flow. So I clicked the handle again and again and still no gas. I re-touched the button to select the 87-octane grade and I wiggled and jiggled the nozzle to make sure back-pressure wasn't interfering with the auto-shut-off mechanism and any anti-pollution devices on there. Still no gas. And I'm getting angry because it's all of 13 degrees out. I am frustrated and cold and it's late and I want to get home to the man and the boy and the gas won't come out.

Just then, a middle aged man came up and grabbed my arm gently (in a way that did not freak me out at all and normally someone touching me and invading my personal space would freak me the fuck right out). So, he took my arm and told me he could help. And then he flipped the lever on the gas pump to ON. Idiot! I cannot believe I didn't turn the pump on. So, he said I must not do that too often. Only every 5 or 6 days for the last 15 years! Oh well. Not all the pumps have that anymore, so I claim that this was just some outmoded gas station that just happened to have pay-at-the-pump and an automatic car wash.

What good is obsessive without the compulsive?

Things keep arriving from ebay. Today a Gordon the Big Express Engine arrived along with three Richard Scarry books, which were huge hits with The Boy, The Man of the House, and me. Yay. Everyone wins.

Then, I just spent the last 45 minutes on teh internet scrouning for drug prices. You see, I have contacted my doctor and we start infertility treatment come DAY ONE. And although I don't need teh pricey drugs (yet), my insurance doesn't cover this stuff so I am a cash customer. I am comparing and contrasting the relative merits of buying online in the USA or looking to Spain. I think USA. But, who knows. Prices are all over the board. One simple pill ranges in price from $1.50 each to $4.26 each and I need 15, so $22.50 to $63.89. That savings alone can pay for the express shipping from Spain. Never mind the cost of Pregnyl/Profasi/Novarel/Chorex. That ranges from $26 to over $100. I'm taking recommendations for online pharmacies which you have used (or know someone who has) and are reputable and are not selling Smarties in fancy packages.
Julie and Julia have used ivfmeds and freedomDrug. I priced things out on drugstore as well. CVS doesn't post all of these prices online, but boy howdie are they high. And Walgreens can kiss my butt since they don't even tell you anything except that they bought Schraft's Fertility pharmacy and call them for prices and availability. So screw you. Ahem, where was I? Oh yes, I was obsessing and compulsing all over here.

Since I am waiting for Day One, I probably have another three week to a month to fret over this since it's only CD18 here (and the cycles, they are long). When CD1 does arrive, it will all be chop-chop-chop hurry-hurry-hurry. Wait wait wait. Fun!

Bathroom Remodel Update

I painted the bathroom the color in ths picture that is on the wall in the corner. The two blobs side-by-side were the trial-size paint I got at the store. The one on the right was deemed too orange and that on the left was too brown/dark. So the beige/oddly greenish in real life color is the one we chose. It's fairly dark but next to the white ceiling make a nice contrast.

Cirque du Soleil

We play. A lot. What else are you going to do when you severely restrict television viewing? ANyway, one of my favorite things is to "Make The Baby Fly". Getting harder since we no longer have a baby around here. But Chuckles likes it. His new thing is to try to climb up to the top of my feet to see whether he can make me drop him. Pretty neat. Until the day I do end up dropping him right on my neck or something. If I ever need to quit my job again, maybe we can run away and join the circus.

I just noticed that the socks in my last picture are not their whitest and brightest. And that reminded me that there is something about my awesome new washing machine that I do not like: it's not good at removing lint/hair from clothes while washing. My old washer was excellent at removing my hair from all kinds of polar fleece and cat fur from pillow cases. The new washer, notsomuch. So I have a lint brush that I am using now.

Food is Good

This is my birthday dinner. I cooked this dinner, basically from scratch (but as it was MY birthday, I did not clean up the dishes afterwards, at least not much). We have whole grain pasta with homemade pesto (I grew the basil and I bought the parmesan, but that's pretty much scratch) and shrimp & cod. There is also a side of steamed asparagus and several glasses of white wine purchased at the winery (not by me).
This is the zoomed out version of my kitchen table. Tres classy, no? The plastic microwave steamer basket serving the asparagus right on the table. The open bottle of wine. The plastic booster seat at the table. The fish sticks on child's plate (along with no salt added canned carrots, asparagus, and the pesto pasta). I was once asked my theory of food. It is "EAT GOOD FOOD". Do not eat food products or food-like substances or chemicals. If you want something sweet, have a piece of fruit. Or some sugar. Avoid the sucralose and the aspartame.


This is my birthday cake which Chuckles and I made together. He's really quite a big help. He cracked the eggs, dumped the cake mix, dumped the water, and dumper the oil right into the bowl and then held the mixer. He also poured teh batter into the two cake pans since this is a layer cake. So you know what I said one paragraph ago about eating real food and not food products. It's all out the window for this cake from a box. There are two "ingredients" which I try to avoid at all costs: hydrogentated oils (trans fats) and high fructose corn syrup. Tubs of store-bought frosting have both. It was good. I guess I should see whether Whole Foods sells a pre-made frosting tub.
And here we are after my birthday was all over. Chuckles got his Toby the Tram engine from my birthday. He was pretty excited and cannot wait until someone else has a birthday.

32

Yesterday, my mom called me to wish me a happy 31st birthday, which was quite sweet except that I just turned 32.

My mother-in-law got me a Turbi-Towel. I love it. Love it. She got me one for Christmas about 6 years ago and I love it. Love it. Love it. So, she got me anotehr one. I was thrilled and said that now I have one to wash and one to wear. Apparently, she thought I was throwing my old one out to the rag bin. No no no.

My birthday was fine. Good, even. Better than last year. Chuckles came into my bed at about 5 am (after sleep walking and going back to sleep on the rug in the hallway). He and I stayed in bed until about 8:30. Mr. Long-Suffering was up making crepes in the kitchen (and cleaning up the ensuing mess). Later, Chuckles stood on a chair in the kitchen and broke eggs into a bowl so I could make myself a birthday cake. He dumped in the oil and water and cake mix into a bowl and held the mixer while we beat it. He's a big helper. Oh, and I went to bed at 8 pm and slept until 7 am the next day, so I feel like a super-human being.

Chuckles is learning to use scissors right now. Very scary. They are quite dull kid scissors but I still worry that he'll try to cut his hand, his hair, or the curtains. I never would have thought to give him scissors but they let him try at the library so I let him try. He does OK. We now make "snowflakes" and there are tiny little scraps of paper all over my living room.

Oh, and my in-laws do have carbon monoxide and are slowly poisoning themselves, so Chuckles did not spend the night Friday. We went there today with some tools. Looks like it is their furnace. I'll try to borrow a sniffer from work on Tuesday and bring it by so they can check it out.

For the Record

I am in a much better place personally than I was on this day last year. Oh yes. Very much better.

Last year, I had a job I loved that I quit because my family life was in shambles. I resented my husband and thought about divorce during every moment I was not thinking about what to fix for dinner. My house wasn't selling due to some "slump".

This year, I have three jobs (two of which I tolerate and one which looks quite promising). I love my husband madly and miss him when he's not here. I want another baby and I don't care whether I sell my house because I live here now. And I got a cat. I won't even mention that I haven't had a flat tire in almost a year because I don't want to jinx it (and I have four new tires). But so far, things look OK.

Am I a Robot?

When I have to do comment verfication to prove that I am not a robot doing auto-post on blogs, I often have trouble reading the letters. qxr3np

Happy Valentine's Day

So, I am totally in to bullet points these days.

• In the category of "Things I Never Ever Thought Would Be Bad But Were", we have a "relaxation massage". I had a panic attack on the table and thought I was being hurt or something and then broke out in hives from the Bio-Freeze. I should have known not to take the massage when my regular girl was booked but I figured anyone can rub me down. I now, officially, know better. And they made me pay full-price for it. With you all as my witnesses (ok, just both of you), I will NEVER use Bio-Freeze again. I have no idea what "Ilex" is but it's in there and I bet that's the reason I was shaking uncontrollably.
• In honor of Valentine's Day, my husband left town on a business trip.
• In honor of Valentine's Day, we got my in-laws a carbon monoxide detector for their house (we had some suspicions but they don't call it a silent killer for nothing.). Their house has about 50 ppm of CO, which according to the booklet is the OSHA PEL for 8 hours. So, they are poisoning themselves slowly. Chuckles is scheduled to spend the night Friday, but I may need to overrule that as he is much smaller than a full-sized adult and we cannot have him there for 12 hours being poisoned. That is not OK. So, my inlaws need to have some repair done to something in their house. Bummer. Glad we found it though.
• In honor of Valentine's Day, I sent those little cups of fruit to school, which were a bit hit by the way. And they sent home a bunch of candy and crap. Am I the only one who thinks 2-year olds do not need to know about the existence of "fruit" snacks, suckers, Kit-Kats, and Fun-Dip? Did you know they actually make Valentines that are a candy wrapper or box of candy or a packet of Fun-Dip?
• It's now like CD13 or CD14 (I think it's 13 but I cannot keep track, which is why the fertility monitor is so good. I could go switch it on and it would tell me).
• Spoiler Alert...skip to the next bullet if you don't want to know....The TV show LOST is seriously freaking me out. But we did learn the identity of another of the Oceanic 6...spoiler alert....it's Sayeed. I think Kate and Sawyer are hot together. I don't care if he's all slimy and smarmy and dirty and stinky and shirtless and oiled up just so. And Kate has freckles and dimples and smiles and Sawyer told her he want to stay on teh island because basically, back in the real world, he's not good enough to get her and she's supposed to be in jail. He wants to stay on the island for love. Oh my god. The longing. But they, ahem, have eachother occasionally, so the longing is notsomuch, but then you throw Jack in the mix. Oh and guns! Whee.
• Work is insane. I got this new job and am training in on it but I still have my other job and it's ridiculous to have the two jobs I had before, be responsible for training everyone in their new assignments including me, and be training in on a new job. I am training in the big, big city, so tomorrow night (barring needing to rescue my baby from a house of poison gas) I will stay in town and go to dinner. And my husband has suggested that I get a little drunk so he can get a little lucky. I am just sayin' yo.
• Two is a hard age, but I hear three is worse. I fear I have entered the realm of the 3. Yikes. He always seems to hit these milestones a little early (usually about 4-6 months early) and we're there. He's defiant, loving, disobedient, happy, strong-willed, snuggly. It's like living with either a drunkard or a manic-depressive. Either way, it's a fun ride (most of the time).
• Apparently six were killed in a shooting at NIU. I sure am glad the only one who terrorized campus when I was in school was the UnaBomber.
• I have ebay syndrome and I refuse to log on there today because I know I will bid on something and the next thing you know, the UPS man and I are on a first-name basis and then all of a sudden, I am in divorce court splitting up the assests attained via ebay. And I already have 19 children's books on the way to my house and somewhere between 2 and 6 train engines, I can't even remember what I bought!

Previously On SarcastiCarrie

So, anyway, where were we?

• I am on CD10 with the Clear Plan Clear Blue Easy fertility monitor. I have neither LH nor estrogen to show for it. Apparently, I suck in many ways and this is one of them. But that's OK. I also think that I wasted the money on teh monitor (although it's not wasted since I can resell it on ebay when I am done for about the same as I paid for it...so it's like I'm borrowing). So, anyway, the monitor measures estrogen and LH concentration in your urine to get a fertility rating for each day. But, I think I am capable of doing that without little test sticks and an electronic gizmo. I can check ewcm and bbt and everything, but it's nice to have confirmation.
• So that fertility monitor was an ebay score. Today I got a Toby the Tram. Chuckles wants a Gordon the Big Express Engine and a Toby the Tram. I guess I'll give him Toby in his Easter basket. Or Easter Bunny will. Whatever.
• Ode to Minus 3 degrees: Ohhhh, you have a redeeming quality minus three. You make walking in plus 12 (in a snowstorm) comparatively enjoyable.
• To my train this morning that was 15 minutes late leaving me standing on the crowded platform for extra minutes in minus 3 weather (with wind chill, friends): thanks for not being 20 minutes late.
• This is pretty funny, especailly around the 50-second mark: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gEaS-K3j3M8
• I just bid on a Gordon the Big Express Engine. ebay is a sickness. But the DEALS.
• We have entered a new developmental phase. At least I hope it's just a phase. Chuckles has discovered "naughty" words. He has said things like "Shut Up" (which hopefully is on it's way out) and "poop" and "butt". In context, it goes like this: "Mom, you are a poop." Or, "Dinner, Apple Sauce, milk, chair, butt ." I try to ignore it. But it's hard. The center director for his day care had a talk with him last week because he just walked around teh room singing loudly: Butt Poop Farts Pee Butt Poop Poopie Butt Farts (and so on). She said she was having a hard time not laughing so tears were streaming down her face. I pointed out that saying naughty words makes Mrs. Nina cry. Ha ha ha ha.
• Oh, man. I just bid on some Richard Scarry books. I'm such a sucker for books. It's not like CHuckles doesn't have any books. And it's not like I didn't just drop $2 at the Goodwill for 8 more books. Sucker. I'm a sucker for books. He just got Berenstain Bears something about a road race which I read back-to-back-to-back-to-back until bed (in the big-boy bed, by the way, which was really quite a painless tranisition...much less bad than I had feared).
• Oh, and Chuckles kept dry overnight 1x this weekend and 1x dry at nap this weekend. I hear it's about 6 months after daytime dry before nighttime dry sets in. I'm cool with a year since I think we did daytime potty training on the early side (about 2 years, 2 or 3 months?).
• I'm not a huge reader of fiction. I zone out when people talk about books most of the time. I don't even like fiction (or movies) but I got sucked in to Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice on PBS's complete Jane Austen last night. Man, that Mr. Collins is a bore. And the brooding Mr. Darcy. Too bad I had to go to bed and have no idea what happened before I turned it on or after. May have to read that. I have a lot of time on the train nowadays.
• Oh my gosh, I just bid on another lot of Richard Scarry books. It's a sickness. I know. I am shutting down my other browser window right now. I'm compulsive. Browser is done and I am going to bed. yikes.
• I'm room mom for Chuckles's Valentine's Party on Thursday. I'm bringing little Dixie cups with hearts on them filled with fruit. Each of 24 children gets red grapes, green grapes, a strawberry, and a blackberry, and Disney-Pixar Valentine and heart sticker. I love this mom-thing (can you tell he napped at school today?).

TV

The FCC says that all TV will be digital in 2009. They're already broadcasting it. In Chicagoland, we have Channel 11 (public television wttw) but we also have 11.1 which is qubo (I think it's cue-boe), a children's programming station. Those are the stations between the stations. Because my tv is not digital, I don't get those channels. But, they're going to stop broadcasting in analog. So, I signed up to get a $40 voucher for a digital converter set top box. We have an antenna in our attic that will receive digital signals. Without it, the tv goes dark next year. And that wouldn't be such a bad thing.

I love the new show CHUCK, which is as good as a cancellation in TV-world. Shows I like rarely stick around. Like Wonderfalls. I can't explain why I like CHUCK without a little back story. I like stories. As in, in order to get my motor running, I like to think about things. I like 'longing'. I like when people want eachother but due to circumstance cannot have eachother. That is how Chuck is for me. He's totally hot for Sarah, his CIA protector. But he can't have her. And she's hot for him too, but she won't let herself fall for him (and why not fall for him, he's hot in a nerdy way). So, Chuck is one hot show. What with the longing and the unrequited and the whatnot. Oh and Captain Awesome is man-cake in a more traditional way. And Casey is scary man-cake. And the nerd herd are fun-nay. And if you want to watch with a man, there's usually hot-chick on hot-chick fighting. The only drawback is I hate Ellie because of what she did to Ephram on Everwood (but that's characters and just on a different show, so no harm/no foul).

NOw, let's talk about LOST. The scheduling people who came up with the idea of leaving the show off of the air for 10 months are idiots but so far this season, the show is moving right along. Apparently, they get rescued off of the island. But not all of them. Only six. The Oceanic 6. So far, we know that Jack, Kate, and Hurley get off the island. Next week they tell us another one. But first, next week, they will show this week's episode as a rerun but with enhanced content. What does that mean? Is there a deleted scene? And this stuff with Jacob in the cabin. I don't think I can sleep. Eek! There was a toll-free number in last night's episode that wasn't a 555-number. What happens if I call it? Will I learn all the secrets? I am sure they are a viral marketing juggernaut. I;m watching Missing Pieces (deleted scenes, I guess). These scenes are from all different seasons. Very odd.

Let's Play "What If"

What if I get pregnant this month? My due date would be, what, like Thanksgiving? That's cool.

What if I don't get pregnant this month? I researched last night and within 4 miles of my home, there are two fertility clinics (one less than a mile away) with 2005 IVF take-home baby rates of 28% and 22%, for $7200 and $9900, respectively (not that I need IVF, since last time I just needed a little four-drug cocktail but it's good to have options).

What if I do get pregnant this month? I will end up off of the progesterone some time in the spring/summer.

What if I don't? I'll be drinking heavily this easter.

What if I do? That new job will look awfully foolish.

What if I don't? That new job will look awesome.

Anyway, that's what I have been thinking lately. Anyone know who won on SuperDuper Tuesday? The news here is all blizzard, all the time.

Oh, and I want to talk about the Writers' Strike and cable tv, my lack thereof, and digital tv thingamajigs. Oh and commuting. I want to talk about light rail. They are looking at extending the light rail into the city into my town. That'd be OK and probably a boon for property values. Sometimes I go to the city on teh train. It's a 10-minute drive to the train station. No biggie. But the new station would be closer. They say we can have it with no new taxes but the train schedule says that my ticket/fare does not pay for the entire cost of transporting me, so I don't know. Maybe raise fares to meet operating costs?

Wait, I just found another IVF clinic less than 1 mile away with a take-home baby rate of 23% (no price listed). I figure that IVF clinics have much better hours for monitoring than the OB's office (who, by the way, did fine by me last time, but honestly, an 11:15 am wanding, 20 minutes from work is a bit inconvenient).

So, what's up with you?

PS - I hate that jury duty is keeping me from having lunch with a friend ( I would say "an old friend" but she reads the blog and would point out she's only 6 weeks older and my turn is coming soon and blahblahblah, love you).

Google may be the Devil, but it sure is fun

If you search for
"flush washcloth down toilet hands knees clean floor"
on Google, I am the FIFTH website that comes up. Woo Hoo.

What I cannot believe is that if you google search "Chuckles does not nap" my site does not come up in the first 20 or so. I must make this post right now that will make it come up.

Searching SarcastiCarrie gives you a lot of things that aren't me (or are me but aren't me here). Searching AngeliCarrie gives you a whole bunch of things that are really not me, but searching DemoniCarrie gets you here, eventually.

Searching "long follicular phase short luteal phase pcos" gives you hits on soulcysters, and all kinds of things that I search yield hits on Stirrup Queens.

I think that when you google "Dear Al Gore nap ride car" I should come up (oh and I do but you have to google that and not "Dear Al Gore nap drive in car"or something).

Testing Crap

New blog skillz in action. Am checking stuff. Trying things. Doing whatnot. With the blog.

Stalking Annabelle's Mom

There is a girl at Chuckles's day care named Annabelle. She's a doll. A mop head of curly brown hair, big, round brown eyes, and lips puffed like sleeves from a 1980s prom dress. Anyway, I am stalking her mother. Annabelle actually looks a lot like her mother.

So, I saw Annabelle's mother at school this morning and we were talking about breastfeeding. Then, I left to head off to work. On the train platform, I saw Annabelle's mom. I would have said, "Hi" but I was on my cell phone and I have no idea what her name is. It could be Julie or Mitzi or Liz or Bernadette. All I know is she is Annabelle's mom. Then, on the train home, I saw her again (with her husband this time who I only know as Annabelle's Dad). So, my goal for tomorrow is to find out her name and say, "Hi" to her. Oh, and I guess I'll tell her my name too.

More Shoppy

More cute kids towels can be found at L L Bean.

Went to Goodwill today. It was 50% off day. Woo Hoo. We got little kid Snow Boots (and then went and played in the snow for an hour), two pairs of jeans for me (Tommy Hilfiger and Rider), six shirts (brands from Sonoma to Eddie Bauer), and three books. My grand total was $20. I love Goodwill.

No matter what I have been telling you or myself about not living like I might get pregnant and not planning things, I apparently was doing this. I kept not buying new clothes because I was going to get pregnant and then I'd get to take all my maternity stuff out and wear it and then I'd have a whole new wardrobe anyway. So, with this morning's stunning negative, I went out and got new clothes. Whee. And heck, I took that new job at work. So, there.

Groundhog Day (or pink is a shade of red)

We face 6 more weeks of winter. And then Spring.

I saw a lot of pink and red this morning. See, I don't actually pee on sticks. I pee into a cup and then dip my sticks or use a dropper or whatever. So, this morning at six:dark:early, I dutifully peed into a cup, dropped four drops into the test, and began waiting. Only the 9 watt bathroom nightlight was on in there so it was dark. Chuckles came in and had to pee,right,now, so I hurried up and got him settled. Eventually, I noticed that the pee in the cup was pink. Immediately I was elated because my first sign of pregnant with Chuckles was bleeding but then I realized this was ridiculous, so I glanced at the test and saw its unmistakeable one pink line. And no other lines at all. So, there you have it. I am not pregnant; I have my period; I am mooodier and weepier than I thought possible. Hope's a bitch.

I guess there is good news in all of this: I get to use my fertility monitor.

Blah Blah Blah My Kid is a Genius Blah Blah Blah

1. Shoppy: For those wondering, the cute bath towel came from Lands End, I think. It was a gift so I am not sure and I am way too lazy to stand up, go up the stairs and find out for sure. Either way, if you click the link to Lands End you will see cute towels.
2. The murder at a day care is one of the worst things that I can imagine. You know, I have been trying not to judge. I have tried. It was my thing for Lent and my thing for New Year's but sometimes you just want some people to rot.
3. This Tuesday is Super Duper Tuesday. If you live in a primary state, go out and vote. I don't really care who your candidate of choice is. Reasonable people can disagree, but make your voice heard.
4. No news on the fertility front. I insert bullets and I hope. Beyond that, there is not much I can do. I think about it. That's about it. I did ask someone today who is a NFP (natural family planning) instructor who uses couple-based fertility awareness methods (symptothermal) what he thought. He just shook his head and said "that can't happen". Pretty funny. My CD25 ovulation with a menses on CD33 boggles his mind. He knows his stuff though. He suggested I fix the underlying problem. Crazy, I know. Wish I knew what the true root cause was.
5. So, I got a new job. Same company. Very mixed feelings. I've only been on my job 5 months and I am finally starting to make some headway. There is no one to replace me so any good work I have done will be lost. It's the job I wanted when I signed on with this company, so that's great. I may actually receive some training in my new job which will be super-fab. There will be someone to take over parts of my job, so that's cool. Most people think it's a promotion and congratulate me. My co-worker, whom I like, has been trying to get out of our department for a year. I haven't told him I got out yet. That will be awkward. I went to find him tonight but he was gone already. There are many other people I have not told yet. Very awkward.
6. Julia's baby duaghter (of b/g twins) is in the hospital. Wish some luck.
7. Chuckles has started word recognition. It's not reading, yet. But we're getting close. He can spell and recognize several words and we're adding new ones all the time.
8. Today Chuckles told me that he took a bus twice yesterday (meaning some time in the indeterminate past) and then he told me the specific times and he was correct in all the non-time related details. Smart kid.
9. Chuckles had pizza for dinner, kept his pants dry all day, sang me a song, and went to bed without fuss (in his Big Boy Bed). Can you tell he had a nap?

Why everything is OK

1. My washing machine went on 20% off sale at Sears Appliance, so I headed over there and they credited my Discover card with the difference (plus the tax on the difference). Woo Hoo.
2. I painted the downstairs bathroom ceiling (the ceiling I had plastered a couple of weeks back), so of course I will fall pregnant and then wonder whether the paint has harmed the fetus.
3. After the bizarre incident, I discovered that I only have one set of sheets and one waterproof mattress cover for Chuckles's Big Boy Bed (which is the default bed of choice most of the time now), so we headed out to Lo*Mart this morning to get some sheets. He wanted "khaki" sheets which are just boring beige 200-threat count 100% cotton sheets. No cars, no stripes, no Spiderman, nothing. Beige.

For those of you keeping score at home

My fertility sticks arrived from amazon (the day after or two days after they shipped on free super saver shipping).

Behold my powers of PhotoShop

These two pictures are actually the same picture. The dark one is how it turned out. It was set on "running man" for fast action but the area wasn't well-lit enough for that, but I could tell the picture turned out well, so I wanted to salvage it. 30 seconds with PhotoShop and it's something recognizable (gamma incresed, brightness drastically increased and contrast increased a bit). It's not perfect, so it actually fits well with our ethos.

What's a little nudity?

Do you like the dog towel? And yes, it does have a tail.

My New Best Friend

Here we are posing with the newest family member. That's all free & clear h/e detergent on top there and OxiClean in the foreground. This is basically my "laundry dungeon" as Mr. Long-Suffering calls it. Note that even the cat is interested (did I tell you that to avoid mold, you should leave the door open until the washer is dry? Well, you should and I found Lisa inside the washer one day.)


Everyone likes to push buttons. There are so many buttons. I used lots of them last night when I stripped Chuckles's bed after a rather bizarre incident that left everything soaked. (Do you see my 500 ounces of laundry detergent in the background...I did find out that Kirkland brand free/clear detergent is h/e compatible so 300 of those ounces are good...should I just give my soap to my mom?)

Random Fertility Stuff as well as Random Thoughts

I surged, I bedded my man, I started progesterone supplementation and I just bet I get pregnant this month because I did every thing wrong. I went on roller coasters, carnival rides, water slides, I drank liquor, I used artifical lubricants not recommended for ttc couples, I ate unpasteurized cheese, I've had cold cuts and bacon, and today I had an enormous mug of regular coffee. I cannot live like "what if I get pregnant this month?" for a another year so I am going to live like I always do - relatively clean with my own private vices.

And my fertility monitor came from the ebay seller (maybe I'll need it, maybe I won't). I ordered the sticks from amazon who says they are back-ordered but today they said they've shipped so I don't know what's up there. Either way, I am fine. They sell those sticks at every drug store, albeit for slightly more moolah.

It's snowing and plows are loud. My baby has occassionally started sleeping in his big boy bed (no rush...he picks where he sleeps), but last night I caught him wandering around our house at 4 am (the Man of the House returned child to his bed without fuss). Oh, and I love my washer. You want my washer, don't you?

Hope you are well. It's way too late, so I'm off to bed alone (Man of the House is working very late).

Someone Really Smart Invented the Indoor Waterpark

I have a million little stories I want to tell you about how great it was at the waterpark. We went Sunday to Monday.

The stories range from Chuckles waking up Monday morning and asking if he could go to a waterpark and me getting to say "yes" to Mr. Long-Suffering playing with the thermostat and finding the water softener and flicking every switch in the whole place (and eventually finding one that turned on the fireplace...hey I was surging) to me taking a nice long soak in the tub and sleeping until the sinfully late hour of 7:45 on Monday. And Chuckles yelling "NO thank you" in a Utica diner and every old man in the place trying to hold back uproarious laughter because he was both so defiant and so polite.

Chuckles really got the hang of it. It took him about an hour both days to warm up to the idea of swimming and water slides but once he did he was like a streak from the slide to the wave pool to the "warm pool" (aka kiddie pool) to the other slide to the lazy river to the climbing water dump thing. He even stopped to tell me potty and hungry. I don't think he'd ever mentioned hungry before. When we left on Monday afternoon, he was asleep in the car before we were out of the parking lot, slept the whole way home, let us take him out and put him to bed and slept another couple of hours. He woke up at 6 pm, had dinner and was back in bed by 8. I guess we tired him out a bit. Then on Tuesday, he regaled his teacher with stories of water slides.

And did I mention that they have a liquor bar right there in the water park so mommies and daddies can have a frozen drink while supervising their spawn? Well, they do and the Hurricane was good, if a little strong. The Strawberry something was good too. And a big smooch to the guy at the arcade ticket counter who warned me that the camouflage thing was a whistle and really high-pitched. So, we got a yellow plastic 2-cent dinosaur that the boy adores.

I came, I saw, I surged

I guess I had my LH surge yesterday. It already looks like it is fading tonight. There's something so normal about that, I don't even know what to think. Of course, the surge precedes ovulation by 24-48 hours, so that means, I will most likely ovulate on CD25. Now there's something so abnormal about that, it almost makes sense.

I'd like to point out that if I do get pregnant this cycle, I will almost immediately be considered 6 weeks pregnant because they date from your last menstrual period no matter what you say (this happened last time I was pregnant and I ended up having the baby right around when I predicted...even though they knew what day I got the trigger shot...they are so ingrained using the LMP date).

As a total last minute thing, we were invited to an indoor water park for the MLK holiday and despite my dislike of traveling with my child, I think we're going. It's an opportunity we can't pass up. It has an indoor water park and an indoor amusement park. I mean, what's not to love. Plus it's near Starved Rock State Park and this time of year, there is eagle watching and frozen water falls. Cool.

CD22

I bought the fertility monitor sticks from amazon. They had a good price and the reviews said amazon had the best non-ebay price, so I bought them. They should be here by my next cycle.

The ewcm continues but there was still no surge this morning. Maybe tomorrow. I thought about testing tonight when I got home from work, but I only have one stick left. That's 16 used so far this month. Egad. I have to buy more tomorrow because I have instructions to test until the surge fades and I don't even have a surge yet, so I need at least two more and I only have one. Am I really going to ovulate on CD25 or something totally crazy like that????

Because I am sure there wouldn't be all this smoke without an impending fire, I had marital relations with my husband tonight. Our child fell asleep in the car on the way home from school (no nap, again). So we had some free time. It was nice. I miss him sometimes.

I went to the compounding pharmacy on my way home from work. I hate all compounding pharmacies. They can take their progesterone suppositories and shove them up their you-know-wheres.

That is all.

PS- I am doing laundry right now and I love the washer. Love it.