Thursday, May 10, 2012

Hot Dots & Tots

So, if you aren't following me on twitter, you totally should be because that is where I am microblogging these days.  Why after 6 years would I abandon my blog?  Well, I'm not abandoning it, but at 140 characters per post, I can tweet while nursing.  So, if you see a tweet from me, you should know that I am topless (well, half topless).

Moving on.  My mother.  Oh, my mother.  Technologically challenged, self-centered, shopaholic, hypochondriac mother.  She told me she thought she had measles.  This is the same mother who went to the ER for some kind of phantom fever she was sure she was having (despite not owning a thermometer).  The ER visit was after 3 trips to various other doctors who prescribed antibiotics for ...what?  Nothing, that's what.  Eventually, I diagnosed it as hot flashes (plus seasonal allergies).  She said she doesn't have allergies.  Uhhh, apparently, you do. 

So anyway, she thought she had measles.  I told her to stay away from my home where an unvaccinated infant lives and see how it goes (though truthfully, I didn't think she had it because she always thinks she has something.  She says, "I have a virus.").  Look it up, ma. See what the symptoms are...oh hey, the internet says people born before 1957 pretty much don't get measles these days.  You're safe, mom.  But she was convinced. She went to the Minute Clinic, and the nurse practitioner said, "Could be measles.  Let's do bloodwork."  Here's where I get a little foggy on the details since my mother is not the greatest witness in the history of time, but eventually blood was drawn and the preliminary results came back positive.   She was all "see, I told you so...what else could it be?"  And I was all like,  "You didn't have a fever, you didn't feel bad, you're not miserable. Are you sure?" 

So, then the State Department of Health called me and needed to know when we had seen her and our vaccinations statuses (statusi? stata?).  Turns out, she had been at Chuckles's school for Grandparents' Day (conveniently held during a book fair!) and exposed hundreds of people to whatever she had, so a full-on panic ensued at the State.  The school was notified, emails were sent home, kids who had immunization waivers were excluded from school pending final lab results or the end of the incubation period. 

And so my  mother was loving the attention being paid to her and her celebrity illness status...until it started inconveniencing her.  She was quarantined.  She couldn't leave her home.  She couldn't see her grandchildren.  I banned her from my home.  She couldn't go out to eat.  I was not going to allow her at Chuckles's birthday party.  The weather was nice.  I told her to sit outside in the sun and enjoy the calm.  She had to wear a mask when she went to have blood drawn for the final test results.  She called me in tears because, "I feel like a leper."  (Grow a pair, mom.  Your quarantine is for the greater good.) 

The final test results came in and NO MEASLES just as I had said initially.  She was relieved, and I was smug because really!  Measles? 

I am hoping this cures the hypochondria, but I'm not sure.

As I mentioned above, Chuckles had a birthday.  He turned 7.  I got him an Easy Bake Oven.  they only come in pink these days, so i got a blue one used off of the internet.  it didn't have instructions or a box so Chuckles doesn't know it is marketed toward girls.  all he knows is he's baking cookies and heating mac-n-cheese on a lightbulb.  and he gets to eat those cookies (provided he shares with Bobo).  Stupid gendered marketing of something that can clearly be for anyone.  everyone eats & everyone needs to know how to follow directions, measure, and cook.  there's a lot of math with the easy bake oven (3/4 tsp this, 15 minutes of that, etc).  I was really glad I had stocked up on 100 watt lightbulbs before their manufacture was outlawed since I needed a light bulb for the oven.

I am wearing non-maternity jeans right now.  It's not awful.

Trip is a good baby.  There is no such thing as a bad baby.  He's different from his brothers.  He spits up.  Kind of a lot.  He wakes at night, eats, and then does not go back to sleep as the others did.  he sleeps in his car seat at night.  he's different.  he has wicked baby acne & has been battling diaper rash since hospital discharge.  but, he rolls (seriously every day he thwarts tummy time by either flipping over or falling asleep...on his tummy OF DOOM).  He smiles those gooey baby smiles.  he grows (size 2 diapers and 3-6 month clothes at 7 weeks).  Trip is a good baby.

Bobo is a threatening 3-year old terror.  He has learned that his greatest weapon is peeing his pants on purpose in protest.  It's awful.  He doesn't sleep at night and gave up napping during the day, so we got rid of the binkies because we figured sleep couldn't get any worse...and it hasn' was just so awful to start.

and that's where i have been. 

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