Wednesday, December 27, 2006

The Holiday is OVER (can I get an amen?)

All is right with the world. The wrapping paper is in the trash. All the gifts are away. The pile of boxes in the living room has been broken down and sent to the recycling. Some gifts have even been returned already. I am back at work. Everything is better. Oh and no one worked today so traffic was fab. Instead of coming up to stay with the in-laws, I stayed home last night and drove into work this morning. 90 miles, 90 minutes. Excellent (please don't tell the nice officers as I was never in a zone with a speed limit over 55).
I even had a great day at work today and even though I am in training, I saved my company thousands of dollars in rework costs. So, woo hoo to me.
Oh, and I bought a rotisserie chicken at Costco for dinner, so I am feeling groovy.

Monday, December 25, 2006

Well, it's 11:20 now

I spent the last 20 minutes paying my bills online and balancing my checkbook. At least my depression is productive.
I'm just so sad right now. I think it's because my life is spiraling out of control and I am not good at that. I am very orderly and controlled and I make plans and contingency plans and I even think about tertiarty contingency plans in case both the plan and back up plan should fail.

I guess I am out of control since I have no plan right now. Our house hasn't sold and I have to start working full-time in 2 weeks, and OH MY GOD, how am I going to do that? I'm sure whatever I do, I'll be witty and appear in control and I'll laugh nervously whenever someone asks me how hard it is. My pain will be our little secret, OK?

I need to stop living with my sister-in-law. I got some leads on apartments, but they are so expensive, but I might just need to bite the proverbial bullet and get one. I could, perhaps get a roommate from work or maybe stay with friends for a while so as not to wear out my welcome too badly. What to do, what to do (that's more rhetorical than anything)? Actually, what I need to do is sell my house. Ugh. Oh, and I need to stop crying and go to bed because Chuckles ain't going to get his own cup of milk at 5 am. But how to fall asleep? I tried that already. I was there, on the verge of crying, but trying not to cry so as not to wake the mister.

Oh, and did I mention that I have been scheduled into driving school on Thurs., Jan. 25th?

Oh, and if you volunteer to host the holiday and when people ask if they can help, you say, "no, i have it under control", then you are not permitted to feel bad when no one helps you.

Oh, one more thing: slippers are almost always a good gift (just not from a husband to a wife or anything).

Did I mention that I hate the waste of the holiday? NExt year, no gifts for anyone and we adopt families who are actually in need. Must start working on them now. My mother will never ever ever go for it. Perhaps contributions to the college fund would go over better. Or, we can volunteer at the food pantry and see what it's like for people who do not have 18 kinds of Christmas cookies on the table and are lucky to have a turkey or a ham.

OH, and for the love of god, why do you think it's wrong that I am exposing my son to Spanish language? Yes, I know we live in the US and our main language is English and believe me, he is learning English, but really, lots of countries speak Spanish and someday he might want to travel to one of those countries or manage people in a factory whose native language is Spanish and if it gives him some kind of edge, well, then so much the better.

Oh, and lastly, I swear to you, I am not making up his milk protein allergy. Really. Those diapers don't lie, so could you please stop giving him cheese-flavored gold fish crackers? He's not actually hungry, he just saw everyone snacking and thought it looked like fun. And no, he does not need juice or water - his soy milk is just fine. And yes, he does need to nap - even on Christmas. Thanks, ma.

It's 11 o'clock on Christmas night, do you know where your blogger is?

She's in the family room crying whilst her husband and son sleep upstairs. Gosh, I hate holidays and am so glad Christmas is finally fricking over. Now, if I can just hold it together through New Year I'll be set, but let's just say the hysterical nature of this evening's crying is not making me think I'll be holding anything together. And did you know there is not not actually anything wrong with me other than usual stuff? What the hell is wrong with me and the crying and the hysterical? And the tears and teh jaw that is quivering. What is up with this? Is this what seasonal disorder is about becaue we're passed the solstice, so I should start perking up any day now. And would you buy my house so I can get out of limbo purgatory? And if I wipe my snot on my sleeve will it come out in the wash without a pre-treatment for stains?

For the record I have nothing good to say about anyone or anything right now and that I hate everyone and everything but I think it's all in my own mind because I just expect too much of others. In fact, I probably hate everyone because I expect the same of others as I expect of myself. I have very high expectations for myself in case that wasn't already abundantly clear. I must be the best mother, wife, homemaker, baker, present buyer, etc. If you aren't going to try, just get a gift card to a place you know I frequent. Is that so hard? I go to Target 8 times per week, so that's a good choice. Amazon is also nice. Borders is fine. Meijer is good. Mom, if you are reading this, a small store near the Mojave desert with no return policy is not a good option of where to purchase all of my gifts.

Oh, and my husband got me a very nice present that made me cry (and I apologized profusely because the gift really was quite nice, I'm just a raging lunatic).

Friday, December 22, 2006

Presents galore

The presents have been arriving by the UPS-truck load from out-of-town relatives. Chuckles has received quite the bounty. He got a very cute Elmo tool pouch that he has been wearing basically non-stop since last night. I got it off of him for bath and bed, though. Very resourceful mommy.

Some people have adhered to my philosphy of toys and gifts. Some have not. I already have a few things that need to go back. Also, for all of you out there who do not have chicldren living in your homes but who buy for others...here's a tip: pay attention to the ages on the package; they are pretty accurate. Chuckles may be a boy genius, but he still hits me over the head with the train trck pieces, so if the toy is for 3+, don't give it to an 18-month old unless you want his parents to hate you or put the toy away for a while.

Goat Milk

I got some goat milk to confirm to myself that it is, in fact, the casein in milk that causes Chuckles such discomfort. Our pediatrician did not want to do allergy testing (arsehole), so I am doing my own testing here at home on my son.
I got the goat milk at the local supermercado. Meijer was all out of goat milk (and goat milk nog and soy nog, for that matter....who knew?). Anyway, got the goat milk and it comes in a paper carton like orange juice with an "easy pour spout" except it's not easy. On the OJ, you peel back a tab and pour. On this milk, you needed to push the spout down (all the way down for some distance) so that it would seat before you pout it. So let's just say I got some on the counter and on me. Now I smell like goat. Oh, and it's whole milk and it's not homogenized so there was a big ole cream layer at the top. Cool.

The oven is preheating

for sugar cookies and snowballs (aka butterballs or Mexican Wedding Cakes).

I made the snowballs tiny this year since mini everything is "in". They are slightly larger than a pea. Totally bite-sized. And a pain in the arse to roll into the ball, but that's OK because I like you enough to do that for you.

Also, is oleo the same as margarine or as crisco? Let me know, k?

And what do you like?

I prefer toothpaste to tooth gel.

I like waxed, unflavored dental floss.

Thursday, December 21, 2006

Etiquette

What should you do when someone specifically requests a special dish or cookie over Christmas? I usually oblige reasoning that they like what I make and it will make both them and me happy to do it. But, this year, I'm having trouble getting things done since I am not home much. So, right now, I am doing laundry, running the dishwasher, blogging, making a list of salad fixings and baking snowball cookies while trying to ignore Chuckles whining in his crib (one hour is not a long enough nap, young man). Oven is pre-heated...gotta run.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Heathen

So, I'm not religious. At all. I am a good person who knows right from wrong and will instill that in my son. I do not believe in god. It's OK. I feel fine about it. I believe that when you die, you are gone. You only live on in the memory of your family and friends. I don't believe in souls or in an afterlife. I'm OK with that. You don't need to pray for my salvation or anything.

I'd say I am socially Christian as I eat dinner on Christmas and Easter and I put up lights and a tree too. But, I don't go to church and I don't believe. I've never been baptized and I don't pray. At my house, when I host holidays, we don't pray. We toast to our health, wealth, and family. It's a nice tradition that makes others forget that you haven't prayed.

I am a scientist by nature and by trade, and I just don't believe in magic or god or higher powers or any of that. But, I'm an American, and I respect other people's right to practice their religions however they see fit (within reason, of course...no ritual beatings of women or anything allowed). I respect other people's religions. I don't protest Christmas trees or nativity scenes or menorahs or fasting or sabbath or Diwali or anything. Purim is fine by me. Women who choose to wear a head covering are A-OK as are men who wear yarmulkes. I even attended a baptism (in an originally stunning eggplant colored dress), though I did not draw a cross on the child's head (I politely declined) nor did I respond "and also with you". I sat quietly while others prayed and I stood there quietly when that seemed appropriate (stand up, sit down, fight-fight-fight).

My husband is slightly more religious than I am. He was christened Catholic and confirmed Lutheran. We married in a Lutheran church (mostly because the hall I wanted was booked up on short notice) on a Sunday five years ago. He has not attended church during the entire 8 years I have known him. I don't think he believes in god, but I could be wrong. Our child is 19-months old, and now, all of a sudden, he wants to baptize my baby. I don't get it. Why now? I'm guessing he had a good time at the baptism. I think his dad is also pressuring him.

So, I'm at a total loss on this. Part of me says I don't believe in it anyway, so go ahead because it won't change anything. The other part of me says wait long enough and let the kid decide if he'd like to do that since I don't think you can un-do it if you don't want it. Another part of me wants to know why he doesn't respect my opinion. Since we don't go to church, isn't this sort of hypocritical of him?

I told him he could go ahead and baptize but he had to make all the arrangements and phone calls and whatnot himself since I did not want to be involved (which he tells people means I won't let him baptize Chuckles, but really how could I stop him for doing that?). I just don't want to be involved. I told him I was willing to organize the luncheon for afterward and if he waited we could combine it with a housewarming party. I think he just wants to blame me to his father so he can get out of the guilt/blame. So, am I being unreasonable? I'd like some honest feedback here. I believe my exact words were something like: "I don't care if you baptize him. Do whatever you want. I just don't want to be involved with it. You can even call my dad for help (my father is a church deacon, who ironically I don't think believes in god either, but his wife volunteered him when he wasn't at church)."
So, is this fair? I will help with lunch but not locating a church or sending them paperwork on our marriage license, or vowing to reject satan myself. I think I am being fair, but sometimes people disagree with me (especially people who think religion is a really big deal).

I could have told you that

According to a new study, 95% of Americans (even those who were born a long time ago...like old people) had sex outside of marriage. I'll quote from the article here so you don't actually have to read it...
  • 99 percent of the respondents had had sex by age 44, and 95 percent had done so before marriage.
  • Even among a subgroup of those who abstained from sex until at least age 20, four-fifths had had premarital sex by age 44, the study found.
  • Finer said the likelihood of Americans having sex before marriage has remained stable since the 1950s, though people now wait longer to get married and thus are sexually active as singles for extensive periods.
  • Among women born between 1950 and 1978, at least 91 percent had had premarital sex by age 30, he said, while among those born in the 1940s, 88 percent had done so by age 44.
So, the 40-year old virgin was among the 1% of people who didn't have sex by adulthood. Very interesting. 95% of us have sex before marriage. In fact, I only know one person directly (although I heard of another one) who claims not to have had sex prior to marriage. I know a couple who waited until they were engaged. But that's it. Any of you readers know an adult who hasn't had sex or one who waited until marriage?

Speaking of which, apparently sex in high school was very common where I lived. More than half (probably 75% or so) of people had sex before leaving HS. But, then I got to college and there were virgins everywhere (disclaimer: my college had a very large number of academic type people (aka nerds) so maybe they just didn't have the chance in HS). Where the hell did they come from (not my high school, that's for sure)? I think most of them had sex before we graduated (proabbly with other nerds), but then I got out into the real world and met more virgins (including the one who professed to be a virgin at her wedding). How the hell did they get out of college without having sex?

Hello Open Enrollment

I have to choose health plans. Should I choose

A. A low-priced catastrophic plan that doesn't cover much but is very inexpensive (not good with a toddler, scratch this).

B. A moderately priced plan with no deductible and co-pays for everything but you must stay in network and infertility is not covered.

C. The highest priced plan, with a deductible, which covers everything but only at 80% (and that's after the deductible) and you still have to stay in-network.

I'm leaning toward B right now since I am not sure I want another baby and probably not in 2007, so I can alwys switch next year. About the network though. I don't know any doctors here, so I guess I could just pick off of the network, but what if I get a disease and want to see a specialist?

My work Christmas party...

was a lot of fun. I did not over-indulge in anything (food or drink-wise), but still was a lot of fun. The food and drink was phenomenal. I will now run-down what was for dinner...

Open bar with good liquor (funny story....I went to order Mr. L-S a 7&7 and the bartender apologized because she didn't have Seagram's 7...she only had Crown Royale for me, darn). I had a glass of fabulous carbernet to hold whilst I mingled with the muckity mucks.

There was an appetizer bar with cheese, crackers, and veggies. Then a mixed greens salad and rolls & butter...so far standard fare.

Then there was a casserole buffet with green bean almondine, turkey dressing, and some kind of broccolli.
Then there was a mashed potato bar with garlic mashed, regular mashed, and sweet potato mashed. They had stuff to put on the potatoes, like gravy, sour cream, chives, and shredded bacon, butter with cinnamon and brown sugar, etc.

Then there was a carved meat bar. They had prime rib with various grated and prepared horseradishes, mustards and au jus. There was also a woman carving turkeys.

Then there was a seafood bar with a mountain of shrimp and various cocktails sauces, a pasta with shrimp, scallops, lobster, and mussels. Then there was crabcakes with a sauce of some tasty sort and a lobster/seafood chowder/bisque soup thing that was very tasty.

And then, there was a coffee bar. They had regular, decaf, hot cocoa, and something else. There were marshamllows and whipped cream to dress them up. And if that wasn't enough, there was an assortment of coffee-related boozes (whiskey, kahlua, bailey's, kamora, etc) to spice things up.

Then, there was the dessert bar. It had mini-pastries, an assortment of Christmas cookies, fruit tarts, and choclate pies and cakes, and lastly, there was a chocolate fountain. Oh yes. There was molten chocolate and an assortment of things to dip (bananas, strawberries, rice crispy treats, pretzels, oreos, wafer cookies, brownies, shortbread, etc). I think many a person would be in heaven to choclate coat their dinner and eat it.

The bar continued to be open throught the entire thing.

And about an hour later, they brought out a sandwich buffet in case you were still hungry. Oh man. My new work sure does know how to throw a party. There was a band playing (not the best...a DJ would have been better, if a little less classy).

Mr. L-S was treated to a rare night in a hotel in a resort city with his wife who seduced him by wearing one of the many pieces of lingerie she owns but ignores (oh, and with the open bar I may have gotten him a bit drunk too). Funny quote: Sunday morning after the party (but before the Christening), the mister asked me why I always take him on vacation during the off-season. To avoid the crowds, silly.

How the Christening went (including what I wore)

The Christening was lovely. My nephew did a great job and didn't cry at all. However, during the annointing with oil, Chuckles threw up on me (and my brand-new silk dress). I caught most of the vomit in his bue bankie (special lovey blanket) and ran from the church. We got cleaned up and back inside before the end of the ceremony. All was well.

So, about my dress...it was a purple/eggplant color with oval of black and cream and another shade of purple. It was a sheer silk over a purple silk slip. It was vomited upon, had tomatoes smeared into it and it ripped on the shoulder. It was $15 from Marshall's, so all-in-all, I guess it's OK that it was disposable. I am going to try to return it because it ripped for no apparent reason other than the seam pulled it. Do you think they'll take it back? Is it even worth trying?

Friday, December 15, 2006

Need fashion help now





And I'm not sure I know how to rotate pictures, so if I can't figure it out, just turn your head sideways and look, k?
The occasion is an afternoon christening at a Catholic church in a relatively affluent area on Sunday. The luncheon afterward is being held at someone's house. My husband is the godfather (if that matters at all).


I can combine the pieces in any order. Here are the clothing pieces

TOPS: grey twinset, black twinset

Bottoms: A-line black skirt, A-line stretch gray skirt (also, a long black skirt with a slit to the knee...if I make the long skirt substitution I will alter hosiery and shoes appropriately)

Legs: Black tights and black flats....if long skirt, black sheer hose and black heels

Luck of the Irish - not

I was unableto connect with Ticketmaster to get those CHicago Bears play off tickets for Mr. L-S for Christmas. Shame really.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

If you come here for parenting advice

there are better places you could go, but here are my biggies:

Santa is not real and lying to your children might make them trust you less later on. I don't actually remember ever believing in Santa, but it was a game we could play and I imagine we'll call it a game as well. The actual Christian holiday is about Jesus, not Santa, so uhm, huh right.

Have I mentioned that I hate the commercialization of everything (goes back to me hating everything)? So, Christmas and gifts and me...well, it makes me cry (see also, Vicki's gift). I like giving gifts to people who really need them. I do not like receiving gifts that I do not need and do not want. Truth be told, I take back all clothes that I am given because other people buy for me what they like not what they think I would like (see also, Vicki's gift, last Christmas gifts from my MIL and mother and just about everything else I have ever received, ever). I try to buy gifts for people that I think they would like - not things I would like. For example, I got my mother an aqua and brown blouse. I would never in a billion years wear that, but she;ll love it. My buying it for her will undoubtedly convince her that I love it too, so I can expect a clone of it for my birthday. Also, I would never ever buy myself a one-hundred dollar garbage can, but I got one for my MIL. And, I would never buy a FIsher Price Annoying Animals Choo Choo for my home, but I got one for someone else.

Back to what I was saying. I have been pretty specific with the grandparents when they ask what Chuckles needs for Christmas. I have forbidden battery-operated toys from my home (and no, mom, not because I am too cheap to buy batteries...I am trying to foster creativity here). Chuckles does not need anything. The child has adoring and loving parents, a warm enough home (66 deg-F during the day, 62 overnight), plenty of organic, whole grain food to eat (or not eat as the case often is), clothing to wear, sixteen hats, a billion books but heaven forbid we can't find Pumpkin Patch Puppy, balls, blocks, The Farmer Says See N Say, and so on. He does not need anything.

So, I suggested to my mom that she just make a donation to his college fund. She says she is obliging, so that is good. I told my MIL that he needed size 7 gym shoes (and yes, in the midwest we call them gym shoes, call them sneakers or tennis shoes if you wish). My mother in law will undoubtedly buy him toys that are objectionable to me. I think they will either go back to the store or be donated to the Salvation Army. And in fact, I think next year, I will ask that everyone skip Christmas and we just adopt a family or two because I just cannot take the commercial aspects any more. No more. I am a grinch who wants to do good things. So, I will. Or maybe, we can put a $10 limit on the gifts and do the rest to Toys for Tots. Then, we can give/receive gifts and have fun bargain hunting and we can give to those who lack the things we take for granted. Yes, I think I will suggest this at Easter so they all have time to stew on that.

I love my mother-in-law dearly. My mother too. It's just both of them disregard the rules I have set for my child. ANd to a certain extent, I think that's OK and normal and healthy because it is great to go somewhere where that person loves you a lot and you can do whatever and they will still love you. That's what grandparents are for. I just think those annoying battery-operated toys need to live at Grandma's house.

Big Day Big Day

I got my profit sharing bonus today. Now, keep in mind I've only been working for six weeks and I have only been working 24 hours per week, but my bonus was $150. So, like when I really work and stuff, I imagine these bonuses can get rather large. In fact, I have heard some people talk about how much was taken out of their bonuses in taxes (about $8,000), so by my crude math, I figure teh bonuses are often in excess of $15,000. That's some real change. I look forward to learning if that is true.

In fact, in case anyone was wondering why I took a pay cut and am living apart from my family and relocating and ruining Christmas (for the second consecutive year), the promise of a large bonus someday is the reason. A bonus like that could send Chuckles to summer fractions camp or community college or, heck, rehab (should the need arise) or therapy if he needs to work through why he hates his mother (or loves her).

Is this love that I'm feeling?

Chuckles either (a) loves me or (b) hates me as he hates none other.

Example 1: while away for two nights over the weekend, Chuckles slept all.the.way.through.the.night from bedtime until morning for his grandparents. Both nights.

Example 2: He often and frequently sleeps through the night for his father while I am away working in the salt mines.

Example 3: He does not sleep through the night when I am at home.

Ergo, he either hates me and is punishing me or loves e so much he wants to spend extra time with me.

What's for Dinner

I'm about a week behind in telling you what I had for dinner, so here goes as best is my recollection.
Wednesday: cold fried chicken that was warmed by my own white-hot rage (rage is now gone...I was a big person and told Mr. L-S what I needed from him in a calm and non-threatening way and now he is giving it to me....oh, I so hate being adult)
Thursday: Hardee's
Friday: Amazingly wonderful Hibachi at a Japanese steakhouse with saki, edamame, squid salad, filet, shrimp, scallops, garlic, and good company (hello Carly, long time no see)...dinner for three was only about $70 and there were three filets of mignon served along with six shrimp and a bunch of scallops.
Saturday: salad from some Italian-themed fast food restaurant
Sunday: baked fussili pasta with sausage and a bottle of cabernet
Monday: chicken with cannelini beans and wilted spinach (and if you know me you will also know that I am completely incapable of following a recipe to the letter, so let's just say I used that recipe, but I added chicken and used brown rice instead of orichette)
Tuesday: brocolli & chicken

Monday, December 11, 2006

First things First

I have much to say about the wonderful weekend I spent with Carly, but first, I must complain.

The mister and I have been together a long time. He should be able to read my mind, or at least able to read men's magazines which are pretty clear that you should "Never ever ever buy your wife lingerie for Christmas unless she has circled the thing she wants, indicated color preference and spelled out the size with a magic marker." Can you tell that Mr. Long-Suffering purchased some lingerie for me?

It's true. And he already gave it to me (since he didn't want me to open it on Christmas in front of people). It is currently in the drop box at UPS on its way back to Vicki. She can have it. I must say it wasn't horrible (pretty modest, cotton, correct size), but it wasn't good either (boy cut shorts for a grown, curvy women who has given birth relatively recently and whose body, apparently, shows some signs of both wear and tear). And with you all as my witnesses, I would never wear it again.

Oh, and I cried. It just looked so unflattering and he clearly was so happy and oblivious. In fact, just thinking about it makes me tear up right now. What is WRONG with me and the crying? And seriously, I always thought I had a pretty good body image. I've always thought I was pretty hot. Apparently, when push comes to shove and there is lingerie and a mirror, I don't actually think I'm that hot. Very disappointing to give into society's view on beauty.

So, as a Public Service Announcement, if I have any male readers, here are the rules:
  1. Do not buy your wife lingerie. It's not really a present for her. A good wife will buy herself lingerie and wrap it up and give it to you. That's who really gets the gift.
  2. Exceptions to Rule #1: She has been very specific about what she wants and you know what she wants and can get it OR you give her a gift card for lingerie. Gift cards are not especially romantic, but you're married and have kids and a mortgage, this is practical. You can do something clever with the gift card like hide it in her underwear drawer if you want (or in the cereal box so she smiles before work).

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Thursday

I am angry and upset iwth Mr. Long-Suffering. "For what?" you ask. Or at least you would ask if any of you ever commented here.

Anyway, I am angry with the mister because, well, basically, he is not a mind reader. Now, normally, this would appear obvious to all and there would be no problem. However, I am going through menopause or something and am completely irrational. Ergo, my husband must be at fault.

I feel better just having written that. Whew. There's a load off of my mind. By the way, the mister is not aware of the white-hot rage I have for him, so let's keep it a secret between you, me, and Google, shall we?

In other news, Chuckles needed a nap and I had a single piece of mail that needed to go out some time in the next month, so I took a gratuitous ride in the car to the post office two towns over. He's napping now, so I feel good about my contribution to this supposed global warming by driving my child in my SUV just so I could get a few minutes peace....I mean so he could take a much-needed nap.

Oh, and the stockings have been hung above the TV with care. Our cat's stocking was in the box with the others. What am I supposed to do with that? Do I just throw it out or bury in the backyard? She's been gone two months and one day and sometimes, I still think I see her when there is a crumpled paper bag on the living room floor.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Worst Road Signs - Ever

I've been doing a lot of driving with the new job in another state. Here are my all-time least favorite signs:
  • Road Repairs next 53 miles (FIFTY-THREE!!!)
  • Expect Delays
  • Expressway (my ass, it's express)
  • Freeway (not around here....I have my toll payer thingy...and dude, we're not in California where they call them freeways)
  • Follow posted detour
  • Ramp reopening Spring 2008 (and then a sign from the governor thanking you for visiting)

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Number Two

And I'm not talking poopie, here.

I always thought I either wanted no children or two kids 18-months apart. Well, Chuckles is 19-months old today and I don't have a one-month old at home, so I guess that didn't pan out.

Anyway, I just weaned at 11+ months, so getting pregnant before that would have been inadvisable (if not downright impossible given that you aren't supposed to take fertility drugs while nursing). I've really enjoyed having my body back to "normal" and to myself (to share as I see fit, now that things in the nethers are back to normal as well....see sahara of several posts back). Mr. Long-Suffering has enjoyed my slightly more estrogen filled self as well. I'm somewhat less moody and a little more nice. The differences based on a few hormones are quite striking.

I'm not entirely sure I want a second one as the first is still....STILL....still...not sleeping through the night more than a night or two per week. A few weeks ago, we had four or five nights in a row and I thought we were home free, but I was wrong. So very wrong. Oh, so wrong. Hubris gets me every time. And, overall, Chuckles is getting easier. I had a hard go of it the first time around. The changes that happen in your life when you go from two to three are stunning. I felt like I got smacked in the back of the head by a 2x4. Maybe I had PPD, but mostly, I think that's just how it is/was. I hear going from three to four is a lot easier. But, we like devoting all our time and energy to Chuckles. He's great and clearly is thriving with the attention. He goes to day care so he has plenty of interactions with other children. In fact, just last week someone bit him (they won't tell us who did it, but I have my suspicions).

So, I just started a new job. Obviously, I would not want to fall pregnant right away (the Brits say "fall pregnant" and I love it and will use it frequently. It sounds like you fell down, and when you got back up, your knee was skinned, and well, whoops, pregnant). So, anyway, new job. My husband's health insurance does not cover fertility treatment, but mine will as I work in a mandatory coverage state. So, I'll need to wait for that to kick in. Then, I want to be on the job a bit before I try, so that I'm vital and will be missed while on maternity leave (and so that I can scope out the pumping situation). So, I might think about possibly maybe trying when Chuckles is about 2, but I can really wait until he's 4 or 5 since I won't be 35 for four whole years here. And a 4 or 5 year age difference would allow us to devote a lot of time and energy to each kid and give them all that we have to offer as doting parents. BUT, with the whole infertility thing, there are no guarantees we can even get pregnant again (see no period since July 2004).

I might just stop the pill and see what happens, except I know what will happen and it is decidedly unpleasant (no period for 45-65 days, then a period for 3 weeks that consists alternately of regular heavy bleeding and sticky brown bleeding and never knowing whether I'll need a tampon, mini-pad or maxi-pad when I leave the house in the morning, then it will taper off and I will go another 45-90 days with no period...etc). Eventually, I will call the doctor and they will give me Provera (aka Medrox or medoxyprogesterone) to do one of two things: stop a long period or bring on a period after three months without one. Yes, the same drugs does both of those things. Eventually, the office will tire of me and tell me to go back on the pill or come in for the fertility drugs so I can get the show on the road. Ha.

So, to have another baby or not, that is the question. For now, I'll be upstairs taking my Seasonale and googling perfect age spacing between children. By the way, according to the linked article, it usually takes a short length of time for the first child to come to accept the second child. It says only eight months. Do you have any idea how long eight months is? That's a really long time for the first born to be extra clingy. Oh my gosh, how would you even cope? This is why I worry about #2. The one good or bad thing (depending on how you see life)...many people try to plan these things and fate steps in and gives them an unplanned pregnancy. I'm not saying it couldn't happen to me, just I'm not betting on fate stepping in and handing me a swaddled bundle of joy.

Oh, and Chuckles if your Daddy has taught you to read while I've been gone and you're reading this....it's not because you're not enough for us that we think about another. It's not because you're not good enough or you're allergic to milk or we think we didn't get things right with you and we'll do better next time. It's precisely because you are so good, so smart, so wonderful, so cute, so loving, so charming and so funny that we think it might be nice to have another breath of fresh air in our lives and someone for you to teach and with whom you can play and who can help you take care of us when we're old and with whom you can fight over our stuff when we die, someone with whom you can say "remember that time when..." after your father and I are gone. Number 2 would be for you. I would love watching you interact with a baby (although, I have realized you're not particularly fond of babies...especially when they are sitting on my lap).

More Shopping

Mr. Long-Suffering and I bought my MIL a simplehuman 40-liter stainless steel garbage can for Christmas. I used one of those 20% off coupons from Bed, Bath, and Beyond on it, but it's still a $120 garbage can for pete's sake. I mean, ugh. But, I am pretty sure she wants it and I always try to WOW her with a great gift since she and FIL pick Chuckles up from school every Wednesday when Mr. L-S has to work late (and I am an absentee mother).

On Sunday, to thank my SIL and her husband for their great generosity in letting me stay with them, I brought an awesome bottle of wine. I brought a Beaulieu Vineyards cabernet sauvignon. It's about a $20 bottle and I love Beaulieu. According to a Burt Wolf show I saw on PBS many years ago, BV continued making wines throughout Prohibition as they had the contracts to supply altar wine to the NY and Boston diocese. (According to legend, the railcars kept falling off the tracks in Chicago en route to the east coast, but whatever, we have fun in Chicago.) According to the BV website:
When Prohibition was repealed in 1933, Georges de Latour had become a wealthy
man, and his facilities were thoroughly up to date. He had never completely
ceased making regular table wines, and had been aging them patiently in the
cellars, waiting for the widely flouted laws to change. When the day of
repeal finally came, BV was ready to recommence offering wines to the
general public.

I also got my SIL a silver plated picture frame Christmas ornament engraved with 2006, in which to put her son's 1st Christmas picture. Merry merry.

Ladies who Dine

Went to dinner with Jenn on Monday. We met at the Cheesecake Factory after work. I got there first and got us a table across from the cutest baby in the world who is not my son. By the time Jenn rolled in from her monster commute, I was one cocktail into it. But, let's just say that was a freebie. It was cold, and I ordered hard coffee. I was tired and needed the caffeine. So, Irish Coffee it was.

I had avocado egg rolls followed by classic strawberry cheesecake. Jenn could not make up her frickin' mind as to what to order since they removed her much-beloved chicken Oscar sandwich from the menu. I didn't mind though, as her company was sparkling. Like champagne. She had a glass of Cheesecake Factory signature Robert Mondavi Carbernet Sauvignon, which I convinced her to try. SHe never did say if it was good.

We went to the Coach purse and accessories store (they now sell over-priced dog collars as well). I picked up a catalogue for a guy at work. I told him to throw it on the seat in his car to throw his wife off the trail of the mp3 player he got her. She might be awfully disappointed CHristmas morning then though.

Jenn and I had a great, if short, time together. Isn't it always a good time when someone loses her clothes (me, of course...Jenn was kind enough not to offer me anything to help clothe me, but heck, what can I expect when I lose clothes in a restaurant?).

Brrrrr

Uh, it was minus 1 degree this morning. Brrr. My chewing gum and water froze in my car.

Sunday Dinner

Mr. Long-Suffering grilled lamb in 20-degree weather. I made rice, salad, SteamFresh green beans (new from Green Giant....so easy), and a cake from a box. My in-laws came. All was well.

Friday, December 01, 2006

Hobbies


Chuckles loves to push laundry baskets around the basement. Full. Empty. Filled with things other than laundry. Whee. Right now, he has an orange laundry basket filled with a pair of Mr. Long-Suffering's shoes (shooz!!!).

Weather

The weather man promised me 8" last night, but I didn't get it.

Eight inches of snow, you perve. We have only a trace sticking to the ground though. It's warm and most of it melted, pervert.

More about my little foray into speeding ticket land

I'll be attending driving school in a state in which I do not live in a county no where near my home. But, since I live half the time with my SIL and her hubby, it will be just fine.

So, I had asked my SIL and her hubby on Thanksigiving if they run radar through that nature preserve and they assured me that the police did not. This was confirmed when I noticed my BIL drived 60 mph through there. So, when I noticed I was going 40, I had two options, obviosuly. I could slow down or put on my brights so I could see any animals that were about to dart in front of me. I opted to put on my brights, which illuminated the highly-reflective police car that was waiting for me at the bottom of the hill around the curve. Whee.

Did I ever tell you about the time....

My son was in the stroller and I was pushing him down the side of US-51 while on vacation with my in-laws. We hit a big bump and he started to cry. I told him he was a big boy and OK, it was just a startling bump. He kept whining, so I handed him a sippy cup. A while later he was still whimpering, so I got to a safe place and pulled to the side to look him in the eye and reassure him he was fine. When I got to the front of the stroller, I discovered the whole thing and the baby (15 mos old at the time) were covered in BLOOD. He had bitten his lip or tongue when we hit the bump. I don't feel as bad as I should because my mother-in-law was with me at the time and didn't notice it either. I ended up carrying him back to the camp over my shoulder (over a mile) while MIL pushed the stroller (he would not go to her for this and for that she was very hurt...HA). He fell asleep on the way back. We all ended up covered in blood and when we got back to camp, everyone wanted to know what happened and who had attacked us.

Chuckles

Ate no lunch, 7 mini-pretels for dinner, and absolutely nothing for breakfast (although he did have two cups of soy milk for breakfast and a cup before bed). How many meals can he miss before I worry?
Note: I'm honestly not too worried since the kid slept through the night last night. In fact, if skipping dinner helps that, he might never eat dinner again.

Macy's

I went to Macy's today. We just got them in Chicago. They bought my much-beloved Marshall Field's. So, I went there because I had one last MF gift card and I wasn't sure how long they'd honor them. I'm unimpressed though. MF always had a huge Christmas tree in the basement and you could get all these beautiful ornaments (with CHicago themes) in their trim-a-tree department and Frango mints at every register. No such things at Macy's. They were pushing hard for me to open a Macy's charge and that just pisses me off too.
Oh, and the mall I visited is in the rather-serious ghetto (armed robbery in broad daylight, anyone). I took Chuckles. We do not have a death wish. I just figured since it was a mild blizzard out, I'd be able to push a robber or attacker away and he'd slip on the ice and fall. All told, I got there at 10:03 and I was out of the parking lot by 10:30. Macy's, I'm not fan (plus only communists have red stars, and dangit, we're Americans...see our Christmas cookies for proof).

Not pregnant, probably

My feet are swollen to the point where my shoes hurt. Also, I am crying at everything. It's a good thing that darn Maxwell House commercial isn't on yet because as soon as Peter surprises his mother, I'm a wreck - even under the best of circumstances.

But what is going on? Well, I have a few theories. I am in my 7th week of consecutive birth control pills so maybe something there. Or, maybe it's because I got a ticket and I'm still angry about that. Or possibly, the stress of working away from home during the holiday season is getting to me. Let's say it's that one.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

The Fun Never Stops

I got an effing speeding ticket on my way to my sister-in-law's house after work. I had stopped by an outlet mall to do some shopping (in/out 4 stores, 15 minutes). This happened to me last year at this time too when I was headed to Big Lots! to buy Mr. Long-Suffering a 3 million candle power flashlight.

Must never shop again. Did buy my mom a very ugly blouse that she will love (it's green and brown, her fave...I could vomit).

Monday, November 27, 2006

Pity Me

Everyone here at Casa Sarcastic has a cold. Some of us are small and don't know how to cover our coughs (Chuckles, I'm looking at you).

Some of us are big and want our sleep but small dictators are preventing that with their demands. Speaking of demands, nap time is over as I am pretty sure he just knocked the crib off of its wheels.

How Techno-Savvy am I?

Well, yesterday, I watched last week's Grey's Anatomy on abc.com's streaming video site. It worked well and I did not need to download a special player to do this. If you missed an episode of Desperate Housewives or Lost, you can watch it at abc.com while writing out your Christmas cards like me.

Also, I just bought this set of Ginsu knives from amazon.com for $24.99 as a gift for Mr. Long-Suffering for Christmas. Poor man hasn't had a sharp knife in years.

Because it was only $24.99 and qualified for free shipping (fi I spent $25), I looked for something inexpensive (less than shipping) to buy to get the free shipping and I found Richard Scarry's Cars and Trucks from A to Z, which got a good review from askmoxie.org (where I hang out and read up on all things parenting. In fact, I had a question featured over at askmoxie last December when I was ready to tear every single one of my hairs out one by one. In fact, last December I was so sleep deprived, I had some thoughts that I won't repeat now because they were so crazy, we'll just say I was tired. I do know now why sleep deprivation is prevented by the Geneva Conventions on torture though.

Emailbag

I got an email today from an old friend. We went to HS together, way back in the day. Anyway, we email regularly, but we lost touch for the last year or so. He emailed my work but it bounced, so he emailed my house and I got it this morning. He recounted his year, so I recounted mine and here's how it went:
Turned 30
Kid turned 1
Emergency Appendectomy
Cut off my hair for charity
Cat died
New Job started
Quit old job (which is merging with a private equity fund...since he cares about that sort of thing)
House for sale
commuting
Please buy my house
Looking to relocate
Please buy my house - I have good schools
Did I mention my house is roomy?

So that's my year in review, Cliff's Notes style. Would you like to buy my house?

I fell like chicken tonight, like chicken tonight

I am going to cut up some BSCB (shorthand, Rachel Ray-style, for boneless, skinless, chicken breasts) into 1" cubes, brown them in a non-stick skillet. I will add in carrots, celery, onions, and garlic (which is already chopped and in a container in the fridge). I will then add sage and a can of cream of something soup and maybe a can of mushrooms. Serve over noodles or brown rice.

It's not gourmet, but it's dinner.

Fisher Price Annoying Sounds Animal Choo Choo

It was on sale today at Target for $26, so I got mine price adjusted. Woo Woo. The annoyance is now $2 cheaper.

Saturday, November 25, 2006

Thanksigiving Revisited

Thanksgiving was lovely even if I didn't host it. Chuckles decided not to nap all day but was still an amazing, adorable, well-behaved, polite angel. His first cousins once removed and he got on like peas and carrots. They are 9 and 11 years old and dragged him all over their house. He climbed up and down more stairs than I care to count. And yet, he still did not sleep through the night after that. Ugh. But I am thankful for him nonetheless.

My oat flour cookies were a bit hit as were the Christmas cookies. Many other people made many other wonderful things (bruschetta with olives and mini balls of mazzarella on tiny toast points comes to mind...oh man was it good....the bruschetta was from Costco, mozz from the local Italian imports store and anyone can make toast points, so I think I'll snatch this recipe right away). My aunt did the turkey on the back porch in a turkey roaster and she made the stuffing in the slow cooker. I will be getting recipces. The turkey was stuffed with fresh sage leaves and thyme and the whole everything smelled divine.

Did I mention we had the doors and windows open because it was absolutely gorgeous out? Well, it was and we did.

Husband's birthday was good. He got a Home Depot gift card from his parents because they know him (and supposedly we will be buying a new house here soon, so we'll need things).

We had three showings on the house this week. Two were the same people (they should be making up their minds soon). The other was this morning at 9:15 but they didn't schedule until 9:02 this morning. I asked to have it at 9:30 instead so we could get dressed, clean up and get out. The dishes were tossed (pots, pans, high chair tray) unceremoniously into the dishwasher to hide. I pulled my bras and panties off the drying line and threw them into the dryer to hide. I put our pajamas under our pillows and made our beds in a flash. The house wasn't "clean" but it appeared tidy.

My sister saw one of those "these kids need a home" things on the news and now she wants to adopt a pair of siblings. She totally fell in love with the boy. I think that is great if she's serious but adopting older kids is so emotionally risky. I hope she knows what she's doing.

I'm starting to think some things about Chuckles. I think I am going to contact our state or county early intervention services about having him assessed for various motor skill conditions and speech and language conditions. I'm not worried exactly. I'm just thinking things. And if there is something, I want to know how to help him best and reach his potential. I'm not worried he is delayed. His speech is excellent. His direction following is wonderful. He has good gross and fine motor skills. In fact, all of everything is excellent. He's performing language and counting tasks at a 24-month+ level. I'm wondering if there might be some little Asperger's thing going on with him. That's not bad, but his learning would be a little different from everyone else's and we's just need to work with him on that. OK, actually, I just read the links I put in there on Asperger's and I guess it's not that. He makes eye contact and engages socially with others. I just can't figure out why I think something is not quite perfect. (Note: I am a worrier. It is who I am.) Now I am googling speech and language development milestones. According to NIH,
By eighteen months of age, most children can say eight to ten words. By age two,
most are putting words together in crude sentences such as "more milk." During
this period, children rapidly learn that words symbolize or represent objects,
actions, and thoughts. At this age they also engage in representational or
pretend play.

What strikes me most about that paragraph is this...Chuckles uses between 100 and 200 words (mostly nouns). He uses a few verbs, makes two word sentences (Where Dada? (with the voice up at the end to show it's a question), More Milk. More Apple. Apple All Gone - More? Buh Bye Dada. Buh Bye Mama. Choo Choo on Shoe. Eat. Eat. EAT!!!!! Ball Buh Bye (when the ball is thrown or rolls into the street)). He does pretend play like dusting, swiffering, vaccuuming, and makes "vroom" noises whenever he plays with anything even remotely like a car or truck and makes choo choo noises with anything longer like a train. He understands prepositions like "in", "on", "behind", and "under". With the exception of pronoun use, he's functioning at a 3-year old level verbally. That seems weird to me. I guess I'm glad because he answers questions, follows complex directions (multi-part like "Go into the kitchen, get your train, and bring it to Grandma"), knows his colors, likes to play that Memory game with me, and counts to five or so, but I mean, that's weird, right? I guess I want him evaluated because I want to know if there is anything special we need to do to help him continue developing. Also, he does not like babies. I don't know if he seems them as competition for his cute or what, but he does not like babies. Kids are fine. Babies - no.

So, all-in-all, very thankful, all healthy, big fat worrier, Christmas lights have been hung, and we had carry-out Gyros for dinner. Good. Very good. Life is good. Oh, and the Christmas cards should bei n teh mail by mid-week. I had to pick the very adorable pictures up from Meijer yeaterday (at a store on the Firday after Thanksgiving, I know, but it was not crowded....bad economy or dinnertime is a slow time).

Thanksigiving Revisited

Thanksgiving was lovely even if I didn't host it. Chuckles decided not to nap all day but was still an amazing, adorable, well-behaved, polite angel. His first cousins once removed and he got on like peas and carrots. They are 9 and 11 years old and dragged him all over their house. He climbed up and down more stairs than I care to count. And yet, he still did not sleep through the night after that. Ugh. But I am thankful for him nonetheless.

My oat flour cookies were a bit hit as were the Christmas cookies. Many other people made many other wonderful things (bruschetta with olives and mini balls of mazzarella on tiny toast points comes to mind...oh man was it good....the bruschetta was from Costco, mozz from the local Italian imports store and anyone can make toast points, so I think I'll snatch this recipe right away). My aunt did the turkey on the back porch in a turkey roaster and she made the stuffing in the slow cooker. I will be getting recipces. The turkey was stuffed with fresh sage leaves and thyme and the whole everything smelled divine.

Did I mention we had the doors and windows open because it was absolutely gorgeous out? Well, it was and we did.

Husband's birthday was good. He got a Home Depot gift card from his parents because they know him (and supposedly we will be buying a new house here soon, so we'll need things).

We had three showings on the house this week. Two were the same people (they should be making up their minds soon). The other was this morning at 9:15 but they didn't schedule until 9:02 this morning. I asked to have it at 9:30 instead so we could get dressed, clean up and get out. The dishes were tossed (pots, pans, high chair tray) unceremoniously into the dishwasher to hide. I pulled my bras and panties off the drying line and threw them into the dryer to hide. I put our pajamas under our pillows and made our beds in a flash. The house wasn't "clean" but it appeared tidy.

My sister saw one of those "these kids need a home" things on the news and now she wants to adopt a pair of siblings. She totally fell in love with the boy. I think that is great if she's serious but adopting older kids is so emotionally risky. I hope she knows what she's doing.

I'm starting to think some things about Chuckles. I think I am going to contact our state or county early intervention services about having him assessed for various motor skill conditions and speech and language conditions. I'm not worried exactly. I'm just thinking things. And if there is something, I want to know how to help him best and reach his potential. I'm not worried he is delayed. His speech is excellent. His direction following is wonderful. He has good gross and fine motor skills. In fact, all of everything is excellent. He's performing language and counting tasks at a 24-month+ level. I'm wondering if there might be some little Asperger's thing going on with him. That's not bad, but his learning would be a little different from everyone else's and we's just need to work with him on that. OK, actually, I just read the links I put in there on Asperger's and I guess it's not that. He makes eye contact and engages socially with others. I just can't figure out why I think something is not quite perfect. (Note: I am a worrier. It is who I am.) Now I am googling speech and language development milestones. According to NIH,
By eighteen months of age, most children can say eight to ten words. By age two,
most are putting words together in crude sentences such as "more milk." During
this period, children rapidly learn that words symbolize or represent objects,
actions, and thoughts. At this age they also engage in representational or
pretend play.

What strikes me most about that paragraph is this...Chuckles uses between 100 and 200 words (mostly nouns). He uses a few verbs, makes two word sentences (Where Dada? (with the voice up at the end to show it's a question), More Milk. More Apple. Apple All Gone - More? Buh Bye Dada. Buh Bye Mama. Choo Choo on Shoe. Eat. Eat. EAT!!!!! Ball Buh Bye (when the ball is thrown or rolls into the street)). He does pretend play like dusting, swiffering, vaccuuming, and makes "vroom" noises whenever he plays with anything even remotely like a car or truck and makes choo choo noises with anything longer like a train. He understands prepositions like "in", "on", "behind", and "under". With the exception of pronoun use, he's functioning at a 3-year old level verbally. That seems weird to me. I guess I'm glad because he answers questions, follows complex directions (multi-part like "Go into the kitchen, get your train, and bring it to Grandma"), knows his colors, likes to play that Memory game with me, and counts to five or so, but I mean, that's weird, right? I guess I want him evaluated because I want to know if there is anything special we need to do to help him continue developing. Also, he does not like babies. I don't know if he seems them as competition for his cute or what, but he does not like babies. Kids are fine. Babies - no.

So, all-in-all, very thankful, all healthy, big fat worrier, Christmas lights have been hung, and we had carry-out Gyros for dinner. Good. Very good. Life is good. Oh, and the Christmas cards should bei n teh mail by mid-week. I had to pick the very adorable pictures up from Meijer yeaterday (at a store on the Firday after Thanksgiving, I know, but it was not crowded....bad economy or dinnertime is a slow time).

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Where have all the shotguns gone?

No, this is not a post about how it is deer hunting season (although, it is deer hunting season....three men in Wisconsin were found dead (in three separate incidents) (apparently of heart attacks) in their tree stands after not coming home after a long day of hunting).

This is a post about how 37% of babies born in 2005 were to unmarried women. That's a lot. In the county where I live (where do I live? I think I live in my car...but the county where my car is registered) it is about 50%. Why are women not getting married when they find themselves pregnant? It is women in their 20s who are driving the increase, so we're not talking teenagers here.
I know several women who had babies recently without the benefit of marriage. Let's look at the reasons for each (names changed because I feel like doing that):

Morgan was 19, just out of high school, and about the start community college when she had Mason. She moved in with the baby's father, but they did not have enough money to do up a good wedding, so put it off. Currently, things are not going well between them, so I'm not so sure they'll get married next year as planned. Oh, and I think Morgan will lose her WIC, Medicaid, and TANF if they get married. They neeed the subsidized day care so they can both work, so marriage is not economically attractive to them as it might be if the Dad had health insurance he could provide for all of them.

Jackson is a 39 year old divorcee. She got engaged to a great guy in summer 2005. Since her clock was ticking away, they opted to start trying for kids right away. Less than 6 months later, she was pregnant. So, they put their houses on the market and started looking for one together, baby was born, etc. Baby has his last name, and I think they will get married soon, but with all that other stuff (new baby, selling 2 houses, buying one, etc), they didn't have time to plan and execute a wedding before the baby's birth.

So, apparently, there is no stigma to single motherhood anymore. I think that's both good and bad. It's wrong to stigmatize children for things they didn't do wrong (sins of the father and all that). The lyrics to Diana Ross's "Love Child" are heartbreaking.
But, but, but, study after study has proven that children with two parents who are committed (married) to each other do better in life than children with precarious family situations (even long-term cohabitating parents). So, the baby of the 39 year old woman is probably going to do better than the baby of the 19-year old girl no matter what just because the mom was stable prior to having the baby, but I am pretty sure they will actually tie the knot.
  1. But, what if the 19-year old had gotten married while pregnant? Forget the big wedding with limos and fuschia dressed bridesmaids. Maybe they just went to the JoP like so many before them, or had 25 of their closest family in attendance and had dinner at the Olive Garden afterward (hey, all you can eat salad). Would parents in a notsogood marriage be better for the kid than unmarried parents? Most studies say yes. But a good marriage is better for kids than a bad one. How's that for "staying together for the kids"? Here are the ideal family situations for children ranked in order from best to worst...

  1. Living with two stable, committed (married, if possible) lesbian mommies (apparently, kids with two moms do better than kids with only one)
  2. Living with your stably married parents
  3. Living with two stable, committed (married, if possible) daddies
  4. Living with one of your parents with frequent contact with the other, happily divorced parents who don't fight
  5. Living with your unmarried parents together
  6. Living with your very unhappily (think physically abusive, alcoholic, emotionally stunted) married parents
  7. Living with one of your divorced parents but they still fight and bad mouth each other
  8. Living with one of your parents who was never married to your other parent
Let's point out right here that most kids do fine no matter what. Most kids will be fine. Where did you fall as a kid? Were your parents happy in their marriage, not married, were they married but unhappy and going through the motions?
My parents were a 2, became a 6, then a 7, and wound up as a 4. I'm happy (mostly, except for the hating everyone and everything stuff) person. I have a good marriage. I love my husband dearly. Sometimes, we are just going through the motions of being married, but the rest of the time, it's good. We put our marriage first because we put our son first. We know that we need a strong marriage for him.

Now, I'm not advocating pregnant women all across America run out and get married, but I do think a little less emphasis should be placed on whether she can have fun (i.e drink) at her wedding or fit into a nice dress and a little more emphasis on creating a stable environment for the baby-to-be is a good idea.

By the way, shame and stigma did a lot to keep the unwed birth numbers down. Lots of women waited to have sex until they were married or with a guy they were pretty sure would marry them if something were to happen. It also used to be that unwed mothers were denied welfare benfits and other societal recognitions. So, huh.

What day of the week is it and I have nothing to say

So, is it Monday? The first day I went to work this week.
Is it Tuesday? The actual day that it is.
Is it Wednesday? The middle workday for most people.
Is it Thursday? The day before the last day of the week.

I have no idea. I'm here at SIL's house with nothing to do. Everyone is out for the evening and I hate their TV. So I guess I'll take a long bath and go to guest room #2 (some other loafing sister-in-law is staying in my guest room, dang here. Hi Shee Shee, we love you).

Did I tell you that Chuckles and I did Baby Pretzels yesterday (yoga for babies) or that I am making French Toast Casserole for Thanksgiving breakfast ( a new tradition my husband is starting because he is a big baby who cannot spend a holiday away from his mummy)? No? Well, we did and he is.

Monday, November 20, 2006

Be Afraid, Be Very Afraid

Jenn, as I have mentioned, works at a big, faceless corporation. There are teams and conference calls and emails about the conference calls, there are team leaders, etc.

Friday, Jenn got an email from her team leader. Here is my artistic impression of said email.

To: Jenn & team
From: Leader
This is to confirm that we will be having a conference call this Monday, Nov. 21st at 3:30 pm ET (4:30 CT). Please advise your availability.

Jenn replied politely that she'd be there. This is what she should have said:

To: Leader
From: Jenn
CC: Rest of Team
I will be there on Monday with my time machine in the alternate universe. I will bring a black hole, a woodland sprite, a leprechaun, and a swingline stapler. We'll need the luck and we'll have to repair the fabric of time when we're done. Regards, Jenn

I'd like to state now that sometimes people are in charge just because they volunteered not because they are better than you.

Let the Holiday Baking Commence


I started my Christmas baking officially today. See photo. These are Betty Crocker Sugar Cookies. I care enough to make homemade cookies. I do not, however, care enough to do them really nicely. I only made stars and Christmas trees this year. Then I just pulled the leftover dough off the parchment paper and made free form cookies. It's a holiday Rorschach test.
Left to Right, Top to Bottom
A nice Christmas tree, a horse galloping off into the sunset, a candy cane made like a play-dough snake, a sombrero (or alternately, a Christmas candle and base), a snake (or if you look at it sideways, it's a guy on a rowing machine), right below the snake on the middle right line is Santa's sleigh (or what is left over after the Christmas tree trunk has been removed), Bottom Row: a nice Christmas tree; a red, white, and blue star because we are Americans dangit; a green, white, and red star because we are Italian Americans; a splat; and lastly either a dollar sign or a sea horse.
So this was "efficient". Here at Casa Sarcastic, we're all about the Lean Manufacturing.

When you become what you hate

Many people hate many things and say they'll never do that, buy that, etc.

For example, perhaps you hug trees and would never buy an SUV and then you have three kids in five years, all of whom need to be in car seats and your Prius can't fit three across the back. So, you buy a hybrid Toyota Highlander. Ahh, you now have an SUV and have become what you hate.

In that vein, I used a leaf blower today. I have become what I hate. I have no defense, but I am pretty sure I'll never do that again. My hands are still vibrating and it's been almost an hour since I stopped.

Sunday, November 19, 2006

While at Meijer

We saw a bunch of people camping inside waiting for the release of the PlayStation 3. They were a sad looking bunch, but they were out in public almost interacting with each other. I'm sure they'll all go home to play by themselves (or maybe play against eachother over the internet...those new game boxes do that, right?).

Why I'm glad I don't live in Guatemala

This report by the Guttmacher Institute on Abortion and Postabortion Care in Guatemala: A Report from Health Care Professionals and Health Facilities covers the unsafe abortion procedures currently occuring in Guatemala.

Guatemalan women have an average of 4 to 6 children each, and the average Guatemalan woman has one more child than she would like. Only 1 in 3 uses any form of modern, reliable contraception, and 1 in 3 children born were unplanned pregnancies. Abortion in Guatemala is illegal except in very rare circumstances to save a mother's life (and even then, it is hard to find). Wealthier urban women tend to receive their abortions from legitimate doctors. Poorer and rural women induce their own abortions, have a friend or relative do it, or go to a witch doctor or pharmacist. Overall, between 40% and 75% of women who have a clandestine abortion in Guatemala are hospitalized for complications following the procedure. Even when an actual gynecologist performs the procedure, 17% of rural women are hospitalized following the procedure for a variety of reasons (including language barriers and poorer overall health and well-being). Even hospital care for post-abortion complications is poor, and approximately 17% of maternal deaths are due to abortion complications. The burden of these complications on the already-strained health care system is significant.

Why? There is a lack of education about birth control/family planning and lack of access to quality family planning services. Access is difficult for women who are too poor to travel across town or to another village for care/services.
Why? Overall, there is poverty and a lack of money to spend supplying birth control pills and condoms to the population, and there are cultural issues as well.
Why? There are two kinds of people in Guatemala. There are the indigenous peoples (like Native Americans) and people of Spanish descent. The indigenous peoples do not speak Spanish as most of the doctors do, they tend to be very poor, and there are cultural issues with women seeking care from male doctors and pharmacists. The Spanish portion of the population is overwhelmingly Catholic and so they do not actively seek birth control services. However, a poor woman with two or three children already who finds herself pregnant again must have some sort of emotional and religious crisis when she decides to seek a clandestine abortion.

Note: the advent of the RU-486 abortion pill has made abortion much safer in Guatemala as hemmorhage and infection rates are much lower with the use of the drug. This makes sense since two of the major complications of abortion in Guatemala are bleeding due to puncturing the uterus after introducing a foreign body to the uterus to cause the abortion and infection caused by unsterile conditions and the introduction of a foregin body to the uterus. The abortion pill (not to be confused with Plan B, the morning after pill, which does not cause abortion) basically interrupts all the hormonal signals sent by the embryo and then induces contractions to expel the embryo. No foreign bodies need to be introduced anywhere and no tools have to scrape anything. No tools = lower infection rates.

Why am I telling you this? Because I want you to know that I am glad I do not live in Guatemala. I am thinking about a possible, theoretical baby #2 someday. If I develop HELLP or pre-eclampsia and need to end a pregnancy, I can. If I discover that my fetus carries a fatal, painful genetic condition, I can end the pregnancy and prevent the futile pain my baby would suffer. I have access to high-quality birth control and can (to some degree, infetility notwithstanding) control how many children I have and when. I live in a country where men and women are mostly equal and no man can force me to have sex with him if I don't want it. He cannot refuse to use a condom and get me pregnant against my will.

I am not pro-abortion. I don't think anyone really is. I think we are all pro-life, and some of us are also pro-choice at the same time. I'm really pro-empowerment and pro-education. Having a baby, though, has taught me a lot of things, and since his birth, I have become a lot more pro-choice for the following reasons:
  • I loved and wanted him so much, I cannot imagine being pregnant and not feeling that or resenting my baby. It must be just horrible.
  • I loved and wanted him so much, if anything were wrong with him or if he was doomed to die at birth or suffer at all from some medical condition, I almost feel I would be obligated to prevent that pain.
  • I now know just how much work a healthy, full-term baby is under ideal circumstances.
  • I have learned a lot about HELLP and pre-eclampsia, prematurity, and other conditions that often necessitate that a pregnancy be ended (usually rather late) to save the life and health of the mother. Women who do this are often heart-broken as they were sick and their bodies made their babies sick and they wanted their babies, but if they did not end the pregnancy not only would the baby not live anyway, the mother would die too.
Even as a teenager, I had access to effective, high-quality birth control. Right now, I could get probably eleven kinds of birth control if I wantd them (let's count: birth control pills, IUD, diaphragm, cervical cap, sponge, condom, female condom, NuvaRing, Ortho Evra patch, Depo injections, NorPlant and that other new implant, foam, spermicidal gels/creams, tubal ligation, vasectomy, and natural family planning methods...that's 17). All this is to say, I am really glad I don't live in Guatemala.

What hath I wrought?

The Fisher Price Animal Choo Choo is in my house. It's really quite a charming toy. We picked it up at Target for $27.97 plus tax. Meijer was all out of them at $37.99. The Fisher Price Catalog lists them for $30. Amazon is showing a ridiculously high price of $56.99. It's not for Chuckles. It's for my nephew. Chuckles saw it and pushed the buttons, so I am off to exile it to a closet until Christmas. It seems to be a hot seller this year, so maybe I'll sell it at a mark up closer to the holidays.

Working on my thoughts

Let's say I am undecided on whether to have another baby. Let's now say that I somehow decide to do that and get pregnant and stay that way long enough to have a baby.

I had a cesarean the first time around (unplanned, emergency, slightly scary scenario). I never ever ever ever ever ever (did I mention never ever?) want to do that again. In the end, everyone was fine, but I really think I have a little post-traumatic stress from the whole thing. So, I either want a planned c-section with theoretical baby #2 or I want the labor and delivery I didn't get the first time. I want the "no pitocin, no interventions, push 3 times, no tearing, baby fine, please nurse right now" delivery I deserve, dammit. I'm torn because I really do think we do too many cesareans in the US. I think there are a lot of reasons we do too many. And in fact, I think I could have avoided the cesarean myself had a lot of things been different (things like the entire medical model of childbirth). When you try to deliver vaginally after a c-section, it is known as VBAC.

I'm sort of a crunchy granola person. Sort of natural about a lot of things. Childbirth and nursing are two of them. I just believe so much that the mother and baby are designed to work together for so much of childbirth and nursing. They are just such a perfect pair. Chuckles and I are like peas and carrots.

I have a lot of thoughts about this topic, but I can't make anything coherent about it right now because I don't even know what kind of health insurance I will have in a few months, I don't know the rules regarding VBACs of the hospital in our new town (some hospitals won't let you try VBAC), I just don't know. In fact, I don't even know when or if I will try to have another baby. Just sitting here thinking about it makes me start to tear up. I guess I'm still not completely over the trauma of Chuckles's birth (and like I said, everyone is fine, so I must be really messed up about this).

So, since I can't make coherent thoughts, I'm going to give some bullet points. Let's start with PROS of a Planned Repeat Cesarean:
  • I know what to expect
  • Date is scheduled months in advance, so I can get childcare for Chuckles lined up
  • I hear through the grapevine that a planned c-section is much less stressful for everyone than an urgent, unplanned one
  • 8 weeks short-term disability off of work (instead of standard 6 weeks)

CONS of a Planned Repeat Cesarean:

  • Major abdominal surgery
  • Women who have c-sections have poorer breastfeeding success (and breastfeeding is very important to me)
  • Not being able to laugh, cough, sneeze, or walk upright for at least 2 weeks
  • Risks of anesthesia
  • I am actually scared of surgery

PROS of VBAC

  • Nature's Way
  • Shorter recovery
  • Greater likelihood of breastfeeding success
  • Heal some of the psychological wounds of the first birth
  • prove to myself I can do it

CONS of VBAC

  • Uterine rupture
  • Possible need for a c-section anyway (the worst possible choice of all of this)
  • The possible need to fight with medical providers every step of the way over doing this...in fact, I won't have the mind about me to do this, and I am pretty sure my husband won't either, so I would need to bring someone with me to the labor (maybe a doula or a trusted, informed friend....not my mother....under no circumstances can it be my mother)

So, there are pros and cons to each side, and some hospitals don't even let you try to VBAC, so I could possibly end up needing to hospital shop or look around for a specific new OB (I'll need to find a specific OB no matter what, because I want someone who is familiar with treating PCOS anyway, so I need a good PCOS treater who loves VBAC and breastfeeding and is a little humorous to boot).

All this to say we have no idea if we want another baby, no idea if I can even get pregnant (what with no periods since July 2004 here), no idea if I can stay pregnant (as I have a pretty significant progesterone shortage here and bled like a stuck pig while pregnant with Chuckles), and no idea what to do if I do get and stay pregnant. So, huh.

A big post about nothing.

Yay to Freedom for Women

Silicone breast implants have been re-approved by the FDA for cosmetic purposes. The science won out.
Women are now free to make their own informed choices about whether to get breast implants and if so, what kinds. I think this is great. We women are smart enough to read up about our choices, the risks of each, and make a decision. Personally, I opt for natural breasts (for myriad reasons like I don't like surgery, I like mine just the way they are, I am proud of what they did nursing my son, my husband thinks they are just fine - great even, engineers don't wear pasties to work, etc). Should I be stricken with cancer and need them removed, I will make informed decisions about whether to reconstruct them and if so, how.


In the interest of full-disclosure, it must be noted that one time a million years ago, I worked as an intern for Dow Corning, but I have no ongoing relationship with them.

Have I mentioned that 2006 is the Year of Hating Everyone and Everything?

I named it that while still at my old job. There are shiny, happy people in this world. There are also cynical, jaded people. I vacillate between the two.

Things that make me shiny, happy are few, but they are good.

Things that remind me why I call myself SarcastiCarrie are numerous and frequent, and are like a pebble in the bottom of my shoe.

Lots to Say for a Sunday (now with bullet points)


My husband is working this weekend, so Sunday might as well be Wednesday but with no The Price is Right.
  • By the way, did you all hear Bob Barker is retiring?
  • Why did Brooke Shields go to TomKat's wedding? I thought Tom and Brooke were feuding over the chemical origins of Post-Partum Depression. Actually, if you click the link, it says Tom and Brooke have mended fences. I sure hope she got them more than a toaster for their wedding. Nicole Kidman got the couple a lovely crystal vase.
  • When you are rather religious (scientology) and you clearly already have a child together, a cream-colored Armani dress does seem to be the right choice. I'm not a fan of the color white anyway. In fact, most of my favorite people have had ecru, ivory, shimmery silver, grey, etc dresses for their weddings.
  • Some people say that the Nestle Tollhouse cookie recipe is the perfect chocolate chip cookie and you should not mess with it. I say, "hey, I'm the one making cookies here. If you don't like my cookies, make your own." All that is to say that I made chocolate chip cookies this morning (made dough yesterday, baked cookies today). The recipe calls for 2-1/4 cups of flour. I used 1-1/4 cups of flour plus one cup of oat flour. I took 1-1/4 cups of Quaker Oats and put them in the food processor for one minute. That made one cup of flour. I used the oat flour in the cookies. Added fiber and nutrition and there is not much of a taste difference at all. In fact, I prefer it because the cookies are both chewier and crispier. I think everyone can agree that's a good change. And if not, make your own dang cookies.

Saturday, November 18, 2006

Prematurity Awareness Month

November is Prematurity Awareness Month. The March of Dimes who once stamped out Polio is now trying to stamp out Prematurity.
Prematurity currently affects 1 in 8 babies born. We all know someone who had a baby prematurely or who was born prematurely. Many of us also know someone who lost a baby born too soon. It's terrible. It's just such a hard situation to be in. I cannot even imagine and am very glad and thankful every day that I did not have to go through that and that I have never watched Chuckles seriously struggle with anything. I am so so so thankful for him. Even when he doesn't sleep through the night, I still know how lucky I am. I often hold him, sniffing the top of his baby head, by the light of the nightlight, in the middle of the night, breathing deeply so he'll relax and go back to sleep. I know how lucky I am.

There are a lot of reasons prematurity is not dropping despite our advanced medical care and pre-natal care. One of the big reasons is the increase in multiple births. Multiples are on the rise for three reasons (that I can think of off of the top of my head):
1. Increased use of fertility treatments. There are lots of ways with fertility treatments to keep multiple births down (and I am not even talking about reduction (aka aborting some in a multiple pregnancy scenario)), but as long as couples are paying tens of thousands of dollars out of pocket for the procedures, they might actaully want twins thinking they will hit the "lottery" then. So, one big way to reduce people's actual desires for multiples would be to remove the financial penalties and have insurance cover some level of fertility treatment (like they do in NY, NJ, MA, IL, and CA).
2. The older mother. Older women, who are closer to menopause, often spontaneously release multiple eggs in a single month. When you get closer to menopause, it's almost like your body is saying, this is my last chance, so let's throw the whole dozen at it and see what sticks. Older women (even without fertility treatments) spontaneously have more twins. I can't even think of a good way to decrease this. I suppose we could urge women not to delay childbearing (if they are already in a committed releationship and ready), but it seems a little touchy.
3. The rise in obesity and our un-natural diets. Obese women tend to have more twins due to fat cells releasing estrogen-like compounds. Several foods (like milk) have recently been implicated in helping cause twinning. Crazy, I know.
So, if we can reduce the incidence of multiple births, we can probably reduce the incidence of prematurity. Once that's done, we can look at all the other causes of prematurity and fix those, but let's start with the low-hanging fruit first.

And, if you know someone who had a premature baby, tell them something really nice about how they are strong and their child is lucky to have such great parents supporting him/her. One other thing that I didn't always know...people whose babies were born prematurely are every bit as proud of their new baby pictures as everyone else. Their reality is just different. All those wires and tubes and monitors keep their babies safe and alive. So, when they show you the picture, smile, look passed the wires, and tell them they have a beautiful baby just like you would for everyone else.

Friday, November 17, 2006

I need a drink

It's 5 o'clock somewhere, right?

Dang You Target, to heck

I was toy shopping at target.com, and I was shopping by age for push-pull toys. So, I clicked on the picture for that category and the picture happened to be what I wanted since I had seen it in the store. however, the pictured item is not on their website. Why would you do tha tto me Target? Why? I am loyal to you. Now, I have to go to your store and get it, but I could have bought it right here from my rec room.
I hear Chuckles moving the furniture upstairs. His nap must be over (he was sleeping in his shoes, hat and coat because he fell asleep coming home from the credit union - too cute).

I LOVE internet shopping

but it doesn't love me. I just spent $40 in 4 minutes. In my defense, I used coupon codes, got free shipping, used my discover card rewards to make my money go farther, and comparison shopped from amazon, borders, and barnes and noble (every year B&N wins, even though they charge tax because they have real stores, but for gift calendars, B&N is the absolute best with ease of search and lots of calendars).

I does not equal perfect

With all the commotion going around Casa Sarcastic, I got a little behind on balancing my check book. 2 months (plus November) to be exact. Well, let's just say the ledger and the computer do not match. I apparently forgot to write in 3 months of water bills and I neglected to record my October contribution to the joint checking account. Let's just say that three negatives and one positive leave the ledger a little messed up. I pride myself on my exacting recordkeeping. I guess I need to start priding myself on something else...let's see, cooking - nope, cleaning - nope, auto maintenance - nope, returning library books on time - nope, brushing my hair every day without fail - nope, laundry - perhaps, or my uncanny ability to post about boring topics.

Like Father, Like Son


The other day before our open house Mr. Long-Suffering was vaccuuming the family room. Chuckles saw it and had to run his corn popper all over the room too. To be like Dad.

Speaking of my mother

She's coming over to visit with Chuckles this afternoon, but first she wanted to make sure he didn't have the snifffles or anything because she doesn't want to catch anything right before the holidays.
OK, he's a toddler, it's November, and he goes to day care. He always has the sniffles. I don't actually think he is sick or anything, so I told her to go ahead and come over.

How Great is Chuckles?

His new thing is "buh bye to ____".

Buh Bye to Dada.
Buh Bye to milk.
Buh Bye to poo pee (when I throw the diaper out).
Buh Bye to shoe (when we take them off)
and so on. Too cute. It is actually so cute my eyes are melting into little pools of marshmallow fluff.

Dinner Tonight?

I am so uninspired. Take out? Cook, go out? Heat something frozen? What to do, what to do? Suggestions?

Steven L Fiedler where are you?

So, let's all put our best stalker, errr, uhm detective skills, into finding Mr. Steven L. Fiedler. Go now, do. Post in the comments what you find about him.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Funny Story about my Mother

She's a hypochondriac. She always has some sort of virus or something coming on or is getting over something or needs physical therapy for something.

Anyway, one day she had a fever. She couldn't come visit because she didn't want to get the baby sick. I asked her how high it was. She said she didn't have it right now "it comes and goes". So, this went on for a couple of days. Finally, I said, "Mom, you're not sick; you're having hot flashes." Thank the pharmaceutical giants and Italian nuns for Premarin because my mom needs hormone replacement therpay.

Google is the Devil

I am a neurotic person. I'm not a hypochondriac (I swear my mother is...if you described prostate symptoms to my mother without saying what you were talking about she would have it).
So, I'm not a hypochondriac, but I have an uncanny ability to read everything about anything and then incorporate that info into my psyche. It's unnerving to say the least. Now, that I am a parent, every well-constructed research study on the effects of day care on children haunts me. Every study on maternal apple consumption relating to autism gives me pause. So, let's all rejoice that I did not go into any sort of depth about endocrine disruptors, rBGH and fertility, and phytoestrogens on that last post, ok?

Recipe - Meat Loaf

Meatloaf freezes well. It's a great thing to bring to a new mom or someone who is sick.
Cut the loaf into single-serving slices, wrap in wax paper, then put all the little pieces into a gallon size freezer bag.

Here's my meat-fu (copyright my husband) recipe that I use all the time.
1-lb super ultra lean ground beef (97% lean)
1-lb extra firm tofu, drained & cubed for easier mashing
chopped onions (omit for nursing mothers, if needed)
Chopped garlic (ditto)
Chopped bell peppers (ditto)
1 cup shredded or cubed cheese (any kind works)
1 cup italian seasoned bread crumbs
3/4 cup fat free milk
some chopped tomatoes or grated carrots (very exact quantities)
Some ketchup or BBQ sauce
Some liquid smoke
Some worchestershire sauce
2 eggs
Any other seasonings you like (celery salt, paprika, fresh ground pepper)
(some like to bake it with bacon or catsup on top)
Mash it all up, place into loaf pan(s), and cook in a preheated 350-375F oven for 45 minutes to one hour, 160F on a meat thermometer.

As Chuckles is allergic to milk, I am trying to cut down on his soy consumption (with 1 quart of soy milk per day, I decided to cut back all other soy in his diet because of the possibiliy of phytoestrogens stunting his manly development). So, the last time I made this, I left out the tofu, left out the milk and cheese, and used almost 2 lbs of beef and one cup of V-8 for the moisture. I also thought about throwing in a jar or two of pureed baby food vegetables, but I didn't as I did not happen to have peas, green beans, or carrots in the house. Oh well.

Meet the Cast - Carly & random thoughts after that

Carly and I used to work together (about 400 miles and two jobs ago). She was my maid of honor when I married Mr. Long-Suffering. She is the friend who keeps me honest and grounded. She is also not afraid of hurting my feelings, so I do get some brutally honest commentary from her from time to time (go ahead and comment on this post Carly and tell me how my blogging is going...I can take the criticism).
Carly detests my penchant for sweater sets (which are really quite practical as the over sweater can hide a stain on the undersweater and the over sweater can be used to hide nipples if the office is cold). Carly also thinks I have no sense of humor. At all. In fact, she will tell you that she took me to a comedy club once, and it was painful for her. I swear on a stack of bible-equivalents for secular humanists that I have a sense of humor, albeit a dry one. Very dry. Almost as dry as the nether regions of a nursing mother.
So, that's Carly. Oh, and she's trying to look up an old boyfriend, so if you have any tips on how to find him, please leave them in the comments for her.
Here's the link for Lexus Nexis if you think he has published anything. You might need to get someone in Academia to search it for you (or you might need to go to the library) as I think it is subscription only. Oh, or if anyone works at a law firm, I think you have access to it as well. If I knew the fellow's name we were trying to find, I'd put it right here MR. XXXXXX so that we could all use our best sleuthy tools to find him. All I know is that he has the same first name as some guy who was stoned to death in the bible.

Oh, and you could try doing a zabasearch on him too. Let's all look up old boyfriends on zaba right now...

And, let's not forget to use any alumni connections we might have. Personally, I have looked up old boyfriends on the alumni directory, but the entries do not give the level of detail I want. For example, here is what it says:
Joe Q. Public works for ABC Corp and lives at 1313 Mockingbird Lane. He is an alumni donor.

Here is what I want it to say:
Joe Q. Public works for ABC Corp as a mid-level functionary. He watches "Office Space" frequently as his job is life-draining. Joe lives at 1313 Mockingbird lane with his wife Melinda, whom he got pregnant on their fifth date and their 5-year old daughter Caitlyn. Melinda is having an affair with her hair dresser's brother and we aren't entirely sure Caitlyn is really Joe's daughter. Joe is sorry he ever left you but he hasn't grown up at all and wouldn't treat you any better today than he did when you were 20. Joe is an alumni donor, but you give more Ms. Sarcastic because your job is better and you are smarter and better off without him.

Television

Have I mentioned that we don't have cable TV at my house? My theory is I don't need to watch that much TV. I am staying with my SIL and her husband right now (as it's middle of the work week for me). They have eleventy billion TV channels beamed to their living room via outer space satellite. I'm unimpressed. Honest to gosh, there is nothing worth watching on TV and their remote is enough to drive me completely fricking crazy. You push the button and it takes an entire second for it to respond. I'm four channels ahead by then. Oh, and I don't know how to turn their TV off, so I just turn the volume down and hope for the best when I push POWER and hold it until some things switch off (they have satellite, TV, receiver, speakers, etc...lots of stuff).

Also, between Mr. Long-Suffering and my BIL, a multimeter is used almost daily in a quest to repair or trouble shoot something mechanical or electrical. Mr. Long-Suffering did fix the Elmo doll the other day. Not only was the battery dead but the little spring where the battery attaches was shorted to something, so Mr. L-S had things to fix. He was in heaven.