Monday, December 25, 2006

Well, it's 11:20 now

I spent the last 20 minutes paying my bills online and balancing my checkbook. At least my depression is productive.
I'm just so sad right now. I think it's because my life is spiraling out of control and I am not good at that. I am very orderly and controlled and I make plans and contingency plans and I even think about tertiarty contingency plans in case both the plan and back up plan should fail.

I guess I am out of control since I have no plan right now. Our house hasn't sold and I have to start working full-time in 2 weeks, and OH MY GOD, how am I going to do that? I'm sure whatever I do, I'll be witty and appear in control and I'll laugh nervously whenever someone asks me how hard it is. My pain will be our little secret, OK?

I need to stop living with my sister-in-law. I got some leads on apartments, but they are so expensive, but I might just need to bite the proverbial bullet and get one. I could, perhaps get a roommate from work or maybe stay with friends for a while so as not to wear out my welcome too badly. What to do, what to do (that's more rhetorical than anything)? Actually, what I need to do is sell my house. Ugh. Oh, and I need to stop crying and go to bed because Chuckles ain't going to get his own cup of milk at 5 am. But how to fall asleep? I tried that already. I was there, on the verge of crying, but trying not to cry so as not to wake the mister.

Oh, and did I mention that I have been scheduled into driving school on Thurs., Jan. 25th?

Oh, and if you volunteer to host the holiday and when people ask if they can help, you say, "no, i have it under control", then you are not permitted to feel bad when no one helps you.

Oh, one more thing: slippers are almost always a good gift (just not from a husband to a wife or anything).

Did I mention that I hate the waste of the holiday? NExt year, no gifts for anyone and we adopt families who are actually in need. Must start working on them now. My mother will never ever ever go for it. Perhaps contributions to the college fund would go over better. Or, we can volunteer at the food pantry and see what it's like for people who do not have 18 kinds of Christmas cookies on the table and are lucky to have a turkey or a ham.

OH, and for the love of god, why do you think it's wrong that I am exposing my son to Spanish language? Yes, I know we live in the US and our main language is English and believe me, he is learning English, but really, lots of countries speak Spanish and someday he might want to travel to one of those countries or manage people in a factory whose native language is Spanish and if it gives him some kind of edge, well, then so much the better.

Oh, and lastly, I swear to you, I am not making up his milk protein allergy. Really. Those diapers don't lie, so could you please stop giving him cheese-flavored gold fish crackers? He's not actually hungry, he just saw everyone snacking and thought it looked like fun. And no, he does not need juice or water - his soy milk is just fine. And yes, he does need to nap - even on Christmas. Thanks, ma.

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