First things First

I have much to say about the wonderful weekend I spent with Carly, but first, I must complain.

The mister and I have been together a long time. He should be able to read my mind, or at least able to read men's magazines which are pretty clear that you should "Never ever ever buy your wife lingerie for Christmas unless she has circled the thing she wants, indicated color preference and spelled out the size with a magic marker." Can you tell that Mr. Long-Suffering purchased some lingerie for me?

It's true. And he already gave it to me (since he didn't want me to open it on Christmas in front of people). It is currently in the drop box at UPS on its way back to Vicki. She can have it. I must say it wasn't horrible (pretty modest, cotton, correct size), but it wasn't good either (boy cut shorts for a grown, curvy women who has given birth relatively recently and whose body, apparently, shows some signs of both wear and tear). And with you all as my witnesses, I would never wear it again.

Oh, and I cried. It just looked so unflattering and he clearly was so happy and oblivious. In fact, just thinking about it makes me tear up right now. What is WRONG with me and the crying? And seriously, I always thought I had a pretty good body image. I've always thought I was pretty hot. Apparently, when push comes to shove and there is lingerie and a mirror, I don't actually think I'm that hot. Very disappointing to give into society's view on beauty.

So, as a Public Service Announcement, if I have any male readers, here are the rules:

1. Do not buy your wife lingerie. It's not really a present for her. A good wife will buy herself lingerie and wrap it up and give it to you. That's who really gets the gift.
2. Exceptions to Rule #1: She has been very specific about what she wants and you know what she wants and can get it OR you give her a gift card for lingerie. Gift cards are not especially romantic, but you're married and have kids and a mortgage, this is practical. You can do something clever with the gift card like hide it in her underwear drawer if you want (or in the cereal box so she smiles before work).