I'm Dork-Tastic

I had an important career-related phone call to make, so I actually took notes to make sure I said the right things in teh right order without leaving anything out. What I forgot to write big at the top of the page was "Don't make every other word SO."

So, Hi, this is Carrie Sarcastic and I am so thankful that you gave me the
opprotunity to be so dorky for you. I am so appreciative. Thanks so
very much for all your time. I know you are so busy and so
important. It really means a lot to me because I am so much a loser.

This is what you get when you let your toddler dress himself

Al:

I'm back from my ride.

Love you too,
Chuckles's Mom

Day 3 continues

Cardio Work-Out

Doing the Hokey Pokey while singing the song is an excellent aerobic work-out. I recommend using the following verses:

• Right Arm
• Left Arm
• Right Leg
• Left Leg
• Right Elbow
• Left Elbow
• Front Side
• Back Side
• Head
• Whole Self

And finish is up with the "You do the Hoooooooo-Key Pokey" verse.

Lent

I'm not Catholic - not even religious, but I decided I needed some self-improvement, so in honor of Lent, I am foregoing judging others. This will be hard for me, but from now on, I will assume others are just doing the best they can.

The Headlines (as they pertain to me)

Stocks are down...looks like a good time to fund my IRA for the year.

Taliban attempted to kill Veep Cheney...but they failed, so I guess the War on Terror is working. Also, this helped bring on the stock slump, so yay to my IRA.

Anna Nicole still dead...but I think I am Daniellyne's real father.

Taxes not due until April 18th this year...so I have three exra days to blog instead of doing our taxes.

Some Organic Baby Food recalled....good thing we only buy regular baby food with all the fertilizers and pesticides.

Mother trained her kids to feign retardation so she could collect disability benefits on behalf of her children...do you think I could do that?

Book Review: Thomas Gets Tricked

Thomas Gets Tricked and Other Stories based on the Railway Series by the Rev. W. Awdry As seen on the television show Shining Time Station (which used to have Ringo Starr as the conductor).

Anyway, this is an older Thomas book. The pictures are actual photographs of train layouts. It's not the new Thomas books that are mass-produced drawing of choo-choos. These characters are older, more grizzled, more likeable, more real. It's also very British. All the engines chuff this and chuff that. They get cross with one another, and when they are happy, everything is splendid.

Here are some excerpts from the book:

Then-along came Sir Topham Hatt, the man in charge of all the engines on the
Island of Sodor.
"We will pull you out," said Sir Topham Hatt. But Henry only blew
steam at him.
Everyone pulled except Sir Topham Hatt. "Beacause," he said, "my
doctor has forbidden me to pull."

That really does sound like the man in charge, doesn't it. I'd like to point out, that by the 20th time through the story in one sitting, I refer to the Island of Sodor as the Island of Sodomy. It's just "funner" that way, but with lines like these, I can't help it.

"Ooh! I'm stiff, I'm stiff," he groaned.

"Pull hard. We'll do it. Pull hard. We'll do it," they puffed together.
"We've done it together. We've done it together," said Edward and
Henry.
Sir Topham Hatt leaned out of the window to wave at Edward and Henry, but the train was going so fast that his hat blew off into a field where a goat ate it for tea.

So, I love this book. It's got humor on many levels. It actually has a plot. The characters are likeable, and the pictures are incredibly detailed. I keep thinking about the person who designed the model railroad and how could I get that job.

So thumbs down to new Thomas. Thumbs up for Old Thomas.

Also, I bought some "classic" Clifford the Big Red Dog books on e-bay (along with some Little Golden Books). Love them. Hate the new, inane Clifford books we have. Am thinking of "losing" them when we're out one day.

Oh my gosh, I was just adding the link to the book on amazon, when I discovered that Thomas Gets Tricked is available on VHS starring Ringo Starr, Michael Angelis, George Carlin, and Alec Baldwin. Isn't George Carlin the seven words you can't say on TV guy? How did he wind up in kiddie videos?

Apparently, the photos in the book are acutally stills from the movie. See, it's educational here.

Hey, let's talk about food

For my first night as a housewife, I had dinner on the table promptly at 5:30. Unfortunately, my husband did not walk in until 5:35, but I still got credit. We had pan seared boneless center cut pork chops, fresh asparagus with a lemon butter sauce, and Bombay potatoes with chick peas (I just made regular mashed for the boy).

Tonight, we are having whole wheat pasta with pesto and Italian vegetables. I will be broiling a steak and cutting it on the bias to serve atop the pasta. Since pesto is mostly cheese, I am going to cover Chuckles's noodles with green baby food (peas, green beas, or best of all - brocolli and chicken). He loves pesto, but I'm not going to give him cheese right now that we are working on making him more tolerant.

Wednesday, we will be consuming leftovers from what I made over the weekend.

Thursday, we are having boneless skinless chicken breast stir fried with broccolli, garlic and onions, and Udon noodles. I am serving the whole thing in a homemade asian peanut sauce that I saw on Real Simple (and there is the same recipe on the top of my peanut butter jar).

I'm taking suggestions for Friday.

Saturday or Sunday will be some kind of roast something or other.

That's it for now.

Pbbbbbbttttt

Dear Al Gore,
I'm just back from my ride. Here is an excerpt from the conversation leading up to the ride:
Me: "Are you sleepy?"
Chuckles: "Yesh."
Me: "Do you want to take a nap?"
Chuckles: "No! No! No!"
Me: "Do you want to go for a ride in Mommy's big truck?"
Chuckles: "Yesh, big truck."

So put that in your pipe and smoke it though an emission controlled filter.

Hugs and Kisses,
Carrie Sarcastic
XOXOXOXO

About the Health Club

I'd like to point out that going to the health club is a theoretical future Tuesday activiity...not one for today. It's like something to do if I have no other good things to do or offers. Or paint to watch dry. Before I can even go to the health club and put Chuckles in their adorable little kids' room, I need to sign up for the health club and get a schedule of their classes. So, you know, I'll exercise later.
Today, I got a new tire. Wheeeee. I'm a girl who sure knows how to live.

Comfort Objects

When I'm down, I look for certain comfort objects: an old sweatshirt, my pillow, wine, etc.

Yesterday, I would not let Chuckles put dice in his mouth ( I know, I am so mean). Anyway, after insulting him like this, he called very seriously for his choo-choo cup and ding (aka Blankie). It was really quite adorable, I assure you. I really like that he haas made strong attachments to things other than me to comfort him.

iS IT BAD IF MY SON SEES A GLASS OF WINE AND SAYS, "mAMA'S JUICE"?

And You Think Your Boss is Bad

My new boss does the following:

• Pages me every time I go to the bathroom
• Calls for me overnight
• Calls for me all day
• Doesn't listen to reason
• Mumbles when he speaks so when I do what he's asked, I have done it wrong
• Wakes me at the crack of dawn and keeps me on the job until after dinner

He's a real tyrant. Good thing he makes it worthwhile with the snuggles and kisses (can I get a harrassment settlement out of this?).

Mama Pay Horsey

Now, all Chuckles wants me to do is crawl around on my hands and knees with him on my back "paying horsey".

My New Cat

As you know, to make me feel better about everything, Mr. Long-Suffering promised me a new cat. Well, the thing about that is...while we were at the allergist having Chuckles tested, we found out Chuckles is allergic to cats and dogs and nothing else. Dogs worse than cats, but still...cats. Now, what do I do? We had a cat. Chuckles was fine...probably. But, shoudl we get another one knowing what we now know?

So, Chuckles is not allergic to milk (or casein). He is intolerant. Now, if I preach anything in this household it is tolerance. Tolerance to the stupid, tolerance to the dumb and ignorant, tolerance of TV talking heads. And yet, my child is intolerant.

So, here is my description fo the difference between allergy and intolerance
Allergy - can kill you what with its anaphalactic response and all
Intolerance - will make you so sick you want to die

So, what to do about the cat situation? I can't get a dog instead and I don't want a Vietnamese pot-bellied pig.

Dear Al Gore:

Congratulations on that Oscar for your movie. I would like to tell you that if there is global warming, I am the reason. My son refuses to nap for me Period. So, I take him for a "car ride to see the neighborhood". Usuaully eight minutes in my SUV. But today, it took almost 20. I think I need to do the cup and the book closer to ride time. But anyway, you are welcome that I did this for you and good luck getting China to stop building coal-fired electicity plants.
Sincerely,
Ms. Carrie Sarcastic

Oh No!

This is your brain:
Congress today discussed a new bill proposing to limit blah blah blah. The debate over the bill was spirited with several representatives dissenting quite vocally including Old White Guy (R-GA) and Slightly Younger White Guy Who Is Either Hispanic or Italian (D-MA).

This is your brain as a stay-at-home-mom:
How do blind people know when to stop wiping after they've gone poopie?

This is Day 1 as a stay-at-home-mom (not that I have never spent a single day at home with Chuckles before, because I have. He's had sick days before and holidays and when I only worked part-time, but still).

Day 1

So, the following things happened on Friday:

• Jenn called me before my alarm went off again (2nd straight Friday)
• I wowed 'em at work with another brilliant money-saving idea
• I then promptly quit my job
• I went to Costco for 15 minutes, bought 7 things and spent $70.70
• I pulled Chuckles out of day care
• Lastly, I told all of this to my husband, who was stunned to say the absolute least

So, today is Stardate: 1 on the Mothership named Invention. I have a schedule of activities outlined on graph paper for the week so no one goes crazy. Chuckles is *still* asleep so here's teh condensed version:

Monday - laundry, change sheets, vaccum family room, groceries

Tuesday - health club, clean bathroom, library

And so on. Wish me luck.

Nicole Kidman

in that red dress at the Oscars last night. I thought the bow was about to strangle her.

I thought Jennifer Hudson's dress was just fine despite what others say; however, I did think she needed to keep her hands out of her pockets. Jennifer H is not a small woman and adding her hands to her hip width was not a good look, plus it made her look a little shy and nervous. But, hey, she won an Oscar and I didn't so what do I know.

love/Hate relationships

I have the following love/hate relationships:

• Jenn (because she was the first one to call me on my birthday..but it was 5 o'clock in the morning)
• Whole Foods (because they actually have vegan cheese...but their distribution center is less than 2 miles from my house but the closest retail outlet is 30 miles away)
• Trader Joe's (because they have hemp seed granola...but their nearest store is 30 miles away, too and not in the same place as Whole Foods)
• Mr. Long-Suffering (because he volunteered to come change my flat tire for me...but he's completely insufferable in almost every other way right now)

Metrosexual Not

My husband is not a metrosexual. He likes tools and jeans and cars and women and sports. He does not own moisturizing face cream or any hair care products beyond shampoo. So imagine my surprise when he wanted sugar scrub for his hands. The lady at the Bath and Bodyworks must be the best salesperson ever if she can sell my husband an aromatherapy exfoliation product.

PS - Mr. Long-Suffering is standing over my shoulder telling me to tell you that he only went in there so he could get some hand creme because his knuckles are cracked and bleeding. It is true and I won't let him touch me with those hands, so really, it's like I forced him to go there.